today's gonna be a good day.

trialzz, v saints.

i'm so tempted to switch over to tumblr for it's coolness. i've been a blogspot user since 2002 (malaya.blogspot.com)

not much to really say. life is good.

block party - jean grae

[Verse One]

Listen

I don't wanna preach or come off bitter, this is a commentary auditory

Editorial, about the state of things, state of mind and state of being

What the fuck is goin on?How the fuck we gonna make it out?

It's hectic, from asbestos filled classrooms

to the stench of death that's still in New York

The air is thick with it, but it reaches further

Like the world murder rate

Circulate, cultivate your mind and soul, your heart and your body

So stagnant; niggaz, get off your block and travel

Stop actin like your flesh is metal and your hood's a magnet

We need to globalize, further spread on this earth

to appreciate the full value of individual worth

To realize how ridiculous the thought of ownership is

and protectin your turf - that's bullshit man

That's how we got colonized

Missionaries create foreign schools and change the native way & thinkin

So in ten years, we can have a foreign Columbine

in some small village in the Amazon, c'mon man



[Chorus]

You need to get out your house, get off your block, and see somethin

Go do somethin, go CHANGE somethin, or else we fall for nothin

You need to, travel the world

And when you come back, tell your girl and your girl and your girl..

and your man and your man and your man.. you understand?

So spread the word



[Verse Two]

It's every man for himself

That's why the black community is lackin in wealth, there's no unity

We soon to be chillin with rich white folk

and that means that we made it

Let our kids go hungry before our wardrobe is outdated

Rap careers are drug related, ballplayers, we need more lawyers

More housin and job created, why we waitin for it to be given?

We need to get up, and get out, and make our own livin

Instead of just makin more, inner-city children

More doctors in your building, righteous cops next door

If the system's corrupt, then change it

Fought for the right to vote, don't even use it

Forget electoral winnin

The way the world's goin, we in the ninth inning

Heh, and we still aren't up to bat

Niggaz is happy just to have the rights to sit on the bench

Like floor seats is alright, and that's as far as we reach

Materialistic values, not morals, that's what we teach

I see it in the youth, hungry for fame and money

Not for knowledge and pursuit of the truth

Pick up a book or a newspaper

Take a free class in politics or human behavior

We need to stop actin victimized, it's like we're day-walkin blind

Open your eyes, there's a whole world out there



[Chorus]



[Verse Three]

And you don't have to agree, or just be happy

Content and lose your hunger, push further

Cause I don't believe that pipe dreams exist

The world is what you make it, your life is all that you got

So take it to the limit

Why would you deny your spirit growth and happiness?

And if your peoples hold you back, they not your peoples at all

You know the, misery cliche

Ladies, know your worth; the way we givin it up

We might as well auction ourselves on eBay, to the lowest bidder

So what if his dough is better?Money doesn't make the man

Maybe self-sufficiency would better make you understand

Let's get it together

There's so much promise and it's just goin to waste

We turn crude, lack of class, lack of taste

And trust, they laughin at us

It's slow genocide

And I don't care how many bottles of Cristal you pop

It won't un-expose you as a known pedophile

Native child, runnin wild, to the ends of the earth

I'll see y'all at the last hundred miles, bet



[Chorus] - repeat 2X

continuation

without actions, love is just a w<3rd.

lately i've been trying to reconcile my relationship to religion and spirituality. growing up in a converted devout catholic household as an only child at that time, i had the privilege and expectation to attend church every sunday, hold rosary beads every time the virgin mary came to our house, participate in charismatic prayer meetings, and to pray for my forgiveness every night. my sisters moved out before my parents discovered god. i was spoon fed religious rhetoric whenever something was wrong. i had god's eyes watching my every move leading me to live a life of fear. for those who do not fear god aren't holy or something like that.

anyway, i welcomed it into my heart. i was wearing white singing in the choir, carrying my rosary and wearing other religious decorations like bracelets made tight enough that they never come off unless you crush your hand. it made life, life. even if i didn't agree with the homilies and heard revisions of the bible, it resonated with me. it fed me. i had a hard time reconciling man's interpretation versus a universal god. it was the thought and belief of something greater than humans that connected everything that made it appealing. i was the point that this was becoming my own personal journey. i wasn't going to church because my parents told me to, i was practicing the way my parents wanted me to. it was becoming my own understanding and calling. then i hit a wall. i had a hard time reconciling my religious beliefs while embracing new found appreciation for buddhism, babaylans, animism, christian practices, and a move towards progressive praxis. i couldn't reconcile my beliefs with the preachings of man and the actions of humanity.

i needed to step away for a while. i put my beliefs into practice with community organizing. a building does not make a church. i have learned so much about love, compassion, community, and interconnectedness. this is more powerful than simply listening to a homily. i am fulfilled in this space, but now i am confronting my need for spiritual grounding once again. i'm learning how to mesh everything that i have learned, everything i am, and everything that is this universe.

at first it would come and go, i would ignore it and hide behind pragmatics. it is always there. this time, i want to be that open vessel, much more than before. my heart is open, my mind will be clear, my soul will be pure.

namaste, praise be the lord, allah.

sup.

so i'm chillin here in oli's garage trying to gain inspiration again as kim and oli play the new version of an old song. i'm slowly meeting my voice again. she's stronger and much more beautiful than ever. after the many times where i've felt her leave, she comes back much stronger that i could ever imagine.

last year, around this time, she lept out of my soul as i screamed my way down the 805 pacing after an ex-boyfriend. pained and lost, each scream carved a deeper cave into my soul where my babaylan once lived. like extracting a tooth, i was overcome with sorrow and shame that i was loosing my wisdom. my mind was clouded with abandonment, fear, jealousy, and insecurity - the perfect recipe for self-destruction.

it's been about a year since that last time, she came back in pieces, slowly but surely. i found the strength in a women's organization. i had found a home to harness my babaylan, my energy, and my voice. i was confident that this space was setting a foundation, and it did. slowly, it began to chip away at what i thought was my path revealing my yellow brick road.

irony definitely has its way of creating a new comedic sitcom. criticizing the organization's lack of love and praxis, i was deauthorized because the love i had for my partner. valentine's day was the day that they would kick me out of the organization. ha. anticipating the end, i asked to speed up this suspense and instead left the organization during a valentine's day social just-us dance. ironic isn't it?

good morning.

sun is shining, birds are chirping, and i'm here blogging. it's my third day in a row, a true sign of progress.

i hope you enjoy the music as much as i do. these songs always rejuvenate and empower me to get through the day.

a lot of changes have been happening lately, neither good nor bad, just change. it's interesting how these changes coincide with meteor showers and eclipses.

anyway, there isn't much thought processing going on right now. it's 9:13 a.m., and i'm hungry.

Counting prayers like blessings

There are times when i can't help but feel VERY thankful for everything that has happened in the past couple of years. Through an abusive struggle, I am definitely on a better road. I am to see things much clearer and am standing firmly on my values and beliefs. Yesterday, I witnessed the power of organizing that comes from genuine compassion and love for the people. Although we are not necessarily organizing these people, we are at least being a catalyst for creating spaces for self-exploration and empowerment. As we know, we must start with ourselves to be present with the people.

As the organizations around me begin to experience extreme challenges, I am still amazed by people's resiliency and commitment. Sometimes we need to fall to rise up even stronger, like a phoenix from ashes. I cannot help but see and feel the power of the white dove.

things that offended me

during this process there were a number of things that offended me:

1. the comparison of my relationship with the "other" as an abusive relationship

2. someone who said "i'll walk out with you," who did, but followed up the walk-out by saying, "we just have to go somewhere."

3. the way people take things out of context

4. the way people were constantly checking up on me, my myspace posts, my facebook statuses, etc. and always making assumptions

5. the way that a leader knew that i was to be kicked out 6 months prior to being deauthorized and didn't tell me

6. asking for my resources right before i was to be kicked out

7. personal attacks and lies

8. asking me to sign an MOU and not keeping up their end of the bargain even if i had actually signed it

9. watching sisters empower sisters by denying their pain

10. being seen as a traitor

11. being told by a white woman who takes up a lot of space that i'm living a contradiction and that i need to address it since she said she's addressed hers w/o offering examples

12. being told that i'm not living a political life

morning.

the desire to write continually slips my mind. i am always enticed by the freedom and the beauty of expression, yet feel silenced, voice cut. for many reasons, it's been traumatizing to write. it's been a struggle trying to find a voice again after all the paranoia and anxiety surrounding it.

life is always a fun-filled, exciting rollercoaster. in the last few months, this ride has just had way too many dips making me nauseous. i'm mentally recovering from all the pain i experienced recently. can you imagine being asked to choose between love and militancy as guised through empowerment? i realize there are many ways we can twist the situation to make the outcome always positive, but it still doesn't negate the fact that there was mistrust and blinded judgments.

it is unfortunate to see how progressive communities, although progressive continue to divide communities. i realize we cannot serve all aspects of our complex lives in one organization, but there should always be room for dialogue and growth in the organization. it's contradictory to one's value system if they aim to empower communities by dictating their actions. at the same time, we cannot continue to live in a bubble. we need to bridge the gaps between praxis and communities. we cannot work in isolation otherwise the work is never recognized by others and it makes it difficult to build alliances. we are never alone in this struggle.

anyway, the day ahead is long full of errands and responsibilities i need to finish. it's been rough living the life of a broke college student. i get frustrated when i think about how old i am and how far i feel from stability. i know, i know. this is the price we pay to be in graduate school. it's difficult to function in a world outside academia. we sometimes have to cut ourselves out just to finish the paper creating more distance between us and communities we serve.

i'm in the midst of resumes, job fairs, seeking medical and dental insurance, and trying to finish my thesis. i struggle to maintain my obligation to the community and organizations. it's frustrating realizing the lack of services provided to the filam community after realizing the complexity of the issues such as high high school drop out rates, high pregnancy rates, high suicide ideation rates, high academic probation rates in college, high smoking rates, etc.

it's one of those nights

hella frustrated. so mind you, this blog is just gonna turn into a space where i can vent, write, process, cry, love, all that great stuff as i go through this journey of life and thesis.

so recently, i've been working within different spaces of the community. i realize now the importance of being able to work with various communities even in our filam community. the experiences are so diverse and important to work with to address the specific needs and issues.

but on the real tip, it just gets frustrating especially when working in a hierarchical structure. it's so apparent how disconnected folks are from the top to the bottom. these false assumptions and multiple directives get so confusing that the people that end up suffering are the ones in the middle and on the outskirts - communities we serve. it's just so depressing and frustrating seeing potential slip away. our community is so clouded with tsimis, pride, colonial mentality, and ego that we just keep nipping at each other. we're so blinded by the anger and greed we don't even see how people are hurting from our actions. at the same time, we don't even see how we feed into the problem. by not educating our communities about conquer & divide tactics, about ways to resolves issues as a community, we only perpetuate the colonizer's plan.

at this point, i do honestly wonder about the sake of our future. i have no doubt that we will continue to struggle through this as life is a struggle in itself. yet, we still need to be able to grow. we cannot continue to take 10 steps back from the years it took to get this far.

we must also remember that true revolution starts from within and the ability to recognize our connections. we ALWAYS must be mindful of the conditions in which people are living, dying, loving, and hurting. we can never expect folks to eat at the table when we haven't even invited them or helped them get there.

peace out of frustration.

i did a bad thing.

i peeked. i shouldn't have, but the trance of being drawn into someone's drama is too enticing - especially when my name is somehow thrown into the mix. i seem to find myself at the crossroads of many relationships may it be community or personal. these insecurities plague my character. i'm racing to catch onto the skirts of my dignity, which is probably why i'm literally running again.

i'm in the place where i want to be strong - spiritually, mentally, and physically. i want to stand grounded on my foundation. i enjoy it when my feet are rooted on the earth's floor. i feel powerful and whole.

this journey is returning to its spiritual center.

namaste.

like a thief in the night

MAY 2, 2009


depression settles in as each day and night passes by. i begin to allow myself to feel, to acknowledge, and talk about it. it's been 2 and half months since my life drastically changed. i am now just beginning to mourn and let the emotions pour out. i struggled to suffer in silence, but i just can't do it anymore. it's time to empower myself to confront this problem.

i am bothered by the realities of this invisible force separating the communities, pulling our lives a part and forcing people to choose between their better selves. yesterday during the may day march celebrating international worker's day, i yearned to hear a woman's voice on the microphone talk about the silent realities that women face in the workforce, in this imperialistic machine that relies on their labor and bodies. i yearned to see them stand and be present, but i was torn.

i had come to realize that i was suffering a deep depression after being deauthorized. all this time spent trying to appear bold and apathetic was just a lie to protect them to keep me silent. i continuously and still to this day try to rationalize the logic, the ideology, the reality, the pain. i listen, i question, i reflect, i do everything but speak up. and if i do, it's only to a few hearts and minds that are willing to listen.

as of now, i am overwhelmed by the task ahead of me - to write my story.

although the story took place prior to this, this is the the moment when i realized the importance of speaking up and taking action. plus, this is the most vivid memory that i can remember.

at 17, i had fallen into a relationship with someone with faults that i continuously forgave. i found myself in a love square and because i reluctantly gave my virginity i felt bound to this relationship. (so many times, we give what we think the other wants to have them stay even at the cost of our own dignity) physically, emotionally, spiritually, and verbally abused - i began to fight back. i hit him each time he struck me. i fought back with just as much force.

it started with an argument and a sarcastic suggestion. he took and began to call the girl from my high school who i didn't have a good relationship with. he began to sneak around and sleep with her.

no more politricking.

i'm tired of all this politricking and shit-campaigning. i just want to organize. yea, i understand there are politics behind the organizing and folks need to fall in a particular line to organize - but what about when you just wanna organize from the heart line?

for about a year, i kept silent about the issue. like a victim, i accepted it and wanted to protect them, but i wonder how does one determine which woman or person is worthy of being "saved?" how does that prevent us from perpetuating a hierarchal system and conquering and dividing our own people? it seems to me that we get lost in these definitions and our own ideological warfare while perpetuating similar imperial tactics. there's seems to be a void to addressing the politics of our identity as they are shaped, controlled, and impacted by the empire. no organization is capable of addressing the complications of our intersectional lives and struggles, rather they fragmentalized and pinned against each other. it's a shame quite honestly.

i wonder how we can struggle together against the system that we are all trying to dismantle in one aspect or the other. then again, if there was no struggle what would people fight for?

so stressed

have you ever been so stressed that you just don't know where to start?

i'm really kicking myself in the ass for not being further in this process than i should be. i keep making excuses saying that i'm working with the community, i'm focusing on family, i'm dealing with my emotions right now. i'm not trying to invalidate these reasons by calling them excuses but that's what they feel like right now. i guess i'm just in the pits because i'm still stuck in the same place i was in a year ago.

i admit i've learned so much. much more than i could learn in textbooks and intellectual conversations. i had a chance to just enjoy and learn from the outside world. i saw the light outside the classroom walls. i loved it and basked in it. sometimes i wish that i didn't go right into grad school. i wish i had taken that time off - which i think manifested itself into this year and half mental break from thesising.

i'm beyond it all. i just want it to be birthed out and acting like an adult.

checking in

it's more than a minute since i've taken the time to write something here.

just a quick recap of what's happened within the past month:

philippines - family, lola's blessing, father's eyes
new york - nightingales,best friend's wedding, independence
womyn of color: writings on the wall -
immortal technique, chino xl, red cloud, cf, kahlee - inspired
oli bata - sax on loan
preparing for aptos

i guess those couple of years of stagnancy finally caught up to me and i've been international, national, and state within one month. blessings. many blessings.

philippines: to organize a woman, you must organize her family.

i learned and accepted the many lessons and realities of my family. sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the struggle within our community that we forget how it impacts our most basic unit: family. in a sense, college is a time when we learn a sense of "independence" or at least strive for one cuz we know a lot of us are still living at home - had no choice or still dependent on our fams. we begin to extend our notion of family to include our close kasamas and community. when that time is over - may it be break or graduation - we have to find ways to reconnect with our families again. i was so blinded by all this organizing that i didn't even see how my family is going through the same issues we are fighting for.

you know what i mean? cuz there's this disconnect that happens when we are scolded and discouraged by our parents for doing "communist," "activist," "leftist" work, when really we're doing it just to get by. in many ways, my reason for becoming active and working towards social justice was a reaction to my immediate family. it was a reaction to everything that i had seen, felt, heard, said, learned, and believed. . . as well as accepted. since i felt like i couldn't control or solve the issues within my family, i wanted to solve the world. i wanted to fix the situations around us that created these realities. i also needed to find my voice and breathe.

so the philippines was pure and exciting. never in my life had i felt so many blessings and so much love like that. i am left with the image of my lola slowly extending her hand to touch my head. her lips quivering, tears being kept in, as she chants blessings for my soul. my mom and her older sister join my lola as i sit on the porch on a wooden dark brown chair hearing the silence of the night - all except for my lola's words which touch my soul.

amazing.

pondering.

it's been quite the journey with challenges and learning how to just let go. a week has passed by and i've finally adjusted to be in the philippines. i think the biggest struggle was learning how to be a part of my family again. it's been a while since we've spent this much time together with such limited amount of personal space.

i'm currently pondering whether or not to return on the 7th or the 12th. it'll come to me, but i'm just not sure. i think a bit of homesickness has gotten to me that i'm longing to go home. at the same time, there's still so much for me to learn here and so much that i NEED to learn.

many blessings, at least i can say that.

happy international women's day!

we're still holding up half the sky.

HAPPY SATURDAY!!

6,005 piercings!

who knew. . .

that would politics get in the way of my advancement. particular power relations pushed me back a couple of steps where i will now have to officially complete these revisions. i thought it was just stuff that we read in our introductory courses about grad school. it looks like it's hits more closer to home.

i just gotta keep jumping over these hurdles.

assumptions.

okay, so got a little road block in my way. i haven't exactly been advanced to candidacy. there was some discrepancy with the program policies. so i'm back to writing these revisions that i've been stuck on for the last year. i know and believe that i am in a better place where i am capable of completing this project.

i started reading "feminism without borders," mohanty really challenges me into re-thinking my approach. we tend to victimize communities of color, gendered communities, and other marginalized individuals or communities, therefore taking away their agency and viewing them through an objective lens. i am wary about viewing and constructing of a view of filipinas as victims because we are not victims per say but are conditioned and impacted by social and historical realities such as colonization, patriarchy, and imperialism. when i say reclaim, i am suggesting that pinays construct and negotiate their social location within the structures of society. in a sense, we contribute to the growing communities of resistance because oppression is not experienced in isolation. i am not trying to essentialize the pinay experience but simply engage in transnational, third word feminism which acknowledges and create a dialogue around these shared experiences. my thesis is a humble attempt to understanding how pinays exercise and create their agency.

i am using pinayism as a starting point to examine and name the particular pinay experiences. there really isn't much difference between third world feminism and pinayism all except that pinayism is specific to the flipina experience. i am not suggesting that this is the only approach, but rather attempting to expand our understanding and connection to the broader idea of women issues.

feminism, with its western origins, didn't impact the progressive communities in the philippines the way it did in the united states. rather, during the time of political uprising and nationalist movements, women issues, specifically filipina, were referred to as the "woman question" (Aguilar). There is this assumption that feminism is a global theoretical lens that is applicable to all communities. However, all social and historical conditions must be addressed to understand the varying experiences within gendered communities. During a time when feminism was viewed as the theory and lesbianism was the practice (hooks), not all women in feminist organizations subscribed themselves to this practice. This alludes to the disjuncture of feminism since it did not capture the individual's whole identity and politics. Again, this is not specific to feminism but speaks about the larger social justice movements which fractionalize progressive communities and efforts.

question: how do we have a movement that addresses and liberates our intersectionalities?

and i leave you with this:

Who Said It Was Simple by Audre Lorde

There are so many roots to the tree of anger
that sometimes the branches shatter
before they bear.
Sitting in Nedicks
the women rally before they march
discussing the problematic girls
they hire to make them free.
An almost white counterman passes
a waiting brother to serve them first
and the ladies neither notice nor reject
the slighter pleasures of their slavery.
But I who am bound by my mirror
as well as my bed
see causes in color
as well as sex

and sit here wondering
which me will survive
all these liberations.



-this blog was written in response to elise's recommendations.

her words. . .

helped me get through the storm.

india arie's: psalms 23 from testimony 2: love and politics


I’ve Seen: Money come between my best friend and me
I’ve Seen: Old friend become new enemies
I’ve Been: Through a couple of litigations
I’ve Been: Through character assassination.

They Try To Put This Stick In Between My Wheels
But They Can’t Stop My Motivation (Nothing Will…)

Though I walk through the Valley where the shadow of death is… I fear no evil cause I’m protected.

NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE HEAVENLY FATHER
AND I DO BELIEVE I’M GOING TO PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER.

You won’t get the best of me even though you broke my heart….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 2X)

I Was Thinking: Maybe this isn’t the life for me.
I Was Thinking: Maybe I should leave the music industry
I’ve Been: Betrayed by the people I trusted
I’ve Been: Oh…seriously disgusted.

They Try To Put This Stick In Between My Wheels
But They Can’t Stop My Motivation (Nothing Will…)

Though I walk through the Valley where the shadow of death is… I fear no evil cause I’m protected.

NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER,
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE HEAVENLY FATHER~
AND I DO BELIEVE I’M GOING TO PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER.

You won’t get the best of me even though you got my money ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 2X)

MC Lyte Mix:

You Can’t Get The Best Of Me… Cause Of My Destiny
Not To Be Less Than Me …But To Be More.
So, Don’t Question Me..
I Came And I Conquered, I Soared
To New Heights And Still I Explored
In My Fight To Survive,
Lyte Is Too Right…
Keep My Eyes On New Sights
I Continue To Plight
So, When Try To Hurting Me
Even Deserting Me…
Know That I Am Designed To Overcome Adversity~
Want To Bring Out The Worst In Me …IT WON’T HAPPEN!
Because I Take Responsibility For My Actions.
My Tenacity…Well It Has To Be Everlasting…
Cause Even When Comes To Backstabbers…I’M LAUGHING!

You won’t get the best of me even though broke my heart ….I’m gone pick up the pieces.
You won’t get the best of me even though you got my money ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. (2X)

You won’t get the best of me because by the grace of GOD ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 4X)

love the way the universe works. . .

i entered grad school the semester after undergrad graduation in '06. during the year, i met a former up ateneo professor at a conference where i co-facilitated a workshop about the filipin@ american experience in higher education. he encouraged me to consider teaching at the university in the phils and to coordinate a study-abroad program. ecstatic about this opportunity, i scolded my parents to consider helping me finance this opportunity. of course, to my dismay they questioned my desire to go to the phils, referring to it as "baliktad," and worried about my economic stability, "would you be making pesos or dollars?"

discouraged, i opted against pushing against my parents since i'm still economically dependent on them. with only a couple of months left and having missed the application deadlines for other programs, i submitted an application to CSU San Marcos' Master of Arts in Sociological Practice program. I signed up for another educational sentence at CSUSM. Again, it wasn't my first choice, but I felt like I had no other choice.

3 years have gone by. I've struggled through this process. I rushed my way through the core classes, juggling assignments and teaching while enrolled in 4 courses, proceeded by another semester with 3. This was my pattern for the first year and a half. Then I stopped. I questioned why I was rushing through graduate school. Was I even enjoying it and was this even for me? Was I doing this to prove my legitimacy to my parents? How do i reconcile my relationships as a community organizer and academic, a student organizer, and former under grad to grad at the same campus, etc? How do i even write something that is meaningful to the community and not compromise myself purely for the institution? I struggled.

I entered the program with a definite project in mind - understanding the transnational FIlipina/Filipina American feminist national democratic movement. I ended up being persuaded into writing about the Asian American Studies movement on campus; my proposal wasn't accepted. I was then redirected back to my original topic focusing specifically on 2nd gen Filipina American college student activists. I wrote a new proposal in less than a week after the first submission of the previous proposal. I defended my proposal and passed with revisions. My committee asked that the revisions be completed within a week. That was the point where i just stopped. I was tired of rushing through the program and even trying to write revisions in a week after I had just written my proposal the week before. I stopped. i decided to immerse myself back into the community in hopes of having a better understanding of it and how it connects to my research. This was Spring 2008.

Now, I received an email from my new chair and i'm being advanced to candidacy! I can finally begin conducting my research/data collection!!!!

affirmation is always a good thing. . .

an email from a high school pinoy who attended my workshop at the recent FUSO mini-conference:

"Ateh Trish,is it okay if you would send me a copy of the Pinay short story you read for us at the Fuso gathering?..I really liked it alot. It made me realize that Filipino women are as strong as the guys in the family, and as smart, or even smarter. I already knew that, but at least i know another person who knows it also. You!. Im still thinking about what happend to you, you didnt deserve that. no joke, but your wonderful. I bet your your boyfriend is so lucky to have you. Your so smart, funny, pretty, and very helpful to the community. I know it and god knows it.=)hehe walang bollahan toh ah...I have a girlfriend, and I wont let anything happen to her.Ill protect her in anyway that i can. Its okay if she doesn't do the same thing for me. Im just happy that shes not like the others. and so lucky i found someone who her parents wont let her go anywhere.Anyways, sorry about "this novel"..hehe.jk..It was nice meeting you..Take care always and help out as many people as you can.

p.s. i know youll inspire alot of girls these days of what you do right now."

it's difficult not to be. . .

bitter, upset, and angry about things. i believe everyone is entitled to these feelings, but the question will be, "what are you gonna do with those emotions?" it took a long time until i was able to come to a good place for myself. i had to realize that i was my own sanctuary and couldn't look to the arms of a partner to solve everything or anything for me (or even a community for that matter). it takes more energy to be angry and upset than it does to do work out of love and peace.

a while ago, i posed a question, can you be militant with a heart? it's crazy when you think about what the heart can motivate people to do and say. i'm sure the folks who voted for prop 8 were doing it as an act of love to god and to society, we can say the same thing about those who voted no on prop 8. i think what gets lost is lost in translation. people's own interpretations of acts of love will contradict one another. but w/o the contradictions and the "problems" folks wouldn't have found meaning or a reason to act.

people say we're in a post racial time. racism no longer exists because people of color have succeeded in achieving the highest position in government. of course they choose to juxtapose this president with another person of color from the opposing side. so living in a post racial society allows for folks to dismiss the existence of institutional racism and the ongoing acts of racism. because of this post racial climate and the labeling of obama as a socialist, it seems as if all our problems are solved. if that's the case, then what does that mean for folks who are fighting for equity and social justice?

we will always need a reason to fight and to keep living. sometimes we just don't know any other way of living.

onto the next chapter. . .

after a painful bittersweet struggle, i am understanding and embracing this new found freedom. i now realize what it means to "not belong to anyone or anything." when i first registered to vote, 8 years ago, i registered as non-partisan. i couldn't decide between republican or democrat and didn't know much about the green or libertarian parties. to this day, i'm still non-partisan with a critical understanding there isn't much difference between the republican or democratic parties. people will always allude to ideological differences and practices but they use the same tools of capitalism, oppression, exploitation, manipulation, etc. you can pretty much say, "everything is one" or as lauryn hill says "everything is everything."

recently, i found myself at a divide among parties. i didn't understand why this divide existed if the mission was to serve the community, serve the people. i didn't understand how this generation would be at the same table as previous generations fighting over tsimis, pride, etc. i felt like collateral damage to someone else's war. i didn't want to believe this split was possible between these organizations. i didn't wanna to return to age 11 standing in the football fields in middle school being forced to choose between two sides, filipino or not. (i chose to hang out with more filipinos.)

this time was different. i didn't have the agency to choose. it was taken from me and i was kicked to the curb because of a highly political situation.

trends.

socialist feminist or marxist-leninist. why choose?

it's haunting me.

i've been trying to cope with the recent developments of my life, but it just seems to haunt me. folks will call this "freedom," i just feel lost. it's painful to know that i've been kicked out of something that i yearned to belong to, a space to for like-minded folks. at least, that's what i thought. it's unimaginable that a space meant to empower people has done the very opposite thing. of course i can see it through their lens and say that they're letting me go to deal with my "contradictions." i thought i understood this movement. i thought i found my place in it, but i was just house sitting. it's really painful.

and so it brings me back to my thesis. . . my original thoughts and reasons for doing this project.


i recognized that most positions in filipin@ american student organizations including presidency were womyn led. i began to question the conditions of her leadership. how she experienced being in that position and as a key figure in the community which she serves. . . did it require that she remain meek and chaste? how did this new found voice sound to her family?

negotation.

Walking through the parallels of life
Trying get past perils of fights
Negotiating matters of the heart
cuz I wanna stay outta the dark

been a real lesson lately about what it means to exist in this world and how we are constantly in a state of negotiation, regardless of the situation.

depends on one's concept about "good" and "evil." i do not believe they exist, but one should strive to do what they can for the community and move beyond themselves.

body ache.

i am at a point where i am realizing the connection between body, mind, and soul. because of what i have been going through lately my body has internalized all the pain and is now reacting. i am experiencing something that i haven't experienced in a while. though i have had the opportunity to take a walk down memory lane to see how things are all connected from childhood to high school to college to family to today. i am able to see the connections within each step and am grateful that it has prepared me for whatever changes are about to take place.

within a place of pain, there is growth. i can only hope that my body will be able to survive.

when i was a child i remember receiving my first journal. i don't know where the pain was coming from when i wrote - "i hate my family!!" i wasn't sure what provoked me to write those words at such a young age. we cannot protect ourselves from lies because we will have to face them one day or another. that entry opened the door to my distrust and feelings of abandonment. my parents struggled to give my sisters and i the "american dream." they wanted to provide something that they wanted for themselves as they were growing up. my dad took the navy entrance test three times until finally in 1974 he passed. he was 6 months shy of vietnam. my mom was an accountant in the philippines carrying her first born child. while my dad went to the states, my mother raised my 2 sisters with the help of our families.

in 1976, my dad rented a small apartment in oxnard, bought a car, and picked up my family from lax. i was born 7 years later, a final attempt at a boy. i was born into a family of tres marias. our lives were complicated as we all tried to adjust to this new lifestyle. i was questioning my sense of belonging in this family seeing as how i was the only who wasn't born in the philippines. by birth i was american.

there are so many secrets that if we keep it in our souls begin to deteriorate.

it's possible.

peep it.
peep.

things to consider.

***note: comments are graciously appreciated. i like feedback and input as i develop this project. maraming salamat!****


no experience is experienced in isolation. -how does this project connect with the general themes of race, class, gender, sexuality, and to an extent religion.

what is the pinay experience in contrast to the hegemonic society?

is there a difference between the maria clara and the virgin complex?

why is it important to compare the virgin/whore identity constructed within each racial/ethnic community?

how is gender used as a general tool to claim power?

what do i mean by power? - self-determination, a right to claim one's self independent of other's expectations or at least some progression towards independence

is the progression of this society dependent on the oppression of women through a patriarchal structure and the submission to the virgin/whore complex?

suzy wong/dragon lady, black widows, please add more if you have any.

one of the many beginnings. . . .

from an old blog. . . still holds truth

sunday, november 05, 2006

Emotion:
Random Thought: entries that i miss.
What:

Monday, November 07, 2005

Emotion:
Random Thought: to continue my thoughts.
What:silence.all except for the typing i am doing.

question to ponder at this moment: none at this moment unfortunately.

i suppose the purpose of this entry is to continue describing my experience at the GABNET conference. As closure, all participants at the conference marched from UCLA to the federal building, protesting the VFA forces in the Philippines, the war, GMA needing to be ousted, and the rape of the Filipina. As we marched down the streets empowered with our posters and voices, chills ran down my spine. my voice grew louder and louder with every block we passed. onlookers stood there confused as to what our purpose was. i'm sure they were asking what VFA was or perhaps they were just thinking that it was a stupid cause for a traffic. When we arrived at the federal building we were suprised to see another protest in progress. Israeli and Mexican communities had collectively protested against the Iraq war and the many injustices that are occuring. Another site of empowerment. at the same time however i wished that our efforts were as collective as theirs, better yet as big, but at the same time conjoint with theirs. i wish our problems had transcended from our voices and into their hearts and out of their mouths. i wished that they understood at least were aware of the issues that we, Filipinas faced and still face. Viva viva Palestina, viva viva Pilipinas! we screamed. but it didn't seem like it was enough to convey to them that we stood there in solidarity. i wanted to cross the street to join in protest with them. we both agreed that the war is an unjust war, an atrocity and a waste of our money and efforts. i symphatized with them and emphathized their efforts. but i couldn't show them that.
all i could do was honk my horn as we passed the street again. . on the way home to the reality of san diego.

i have met some very strong women through this conference. unaware of their life stories, but all i knew was that we were sisters, brothers, and allies standing in solidarity to fight the cause, fight the good fight of ensuring justice and equality and recognition of all women especially Pilipinas. I loved that GabNet masked our true identities. we were able to come together and share our stories without exposing our masks. i was able to have a conversation evelina galang, the author of my favorite book, "Her wild american self" as if we were just sisters. there were no roads to block us from sharing a humane connection. no titles in the way of conversations. it was great. we came as concerned women seeking justice. we left as concerned women seeking justice in our daily lives for the lives of other women, children, communities. we, or i, left empowered but dawned upon with the reality of life.

posted by trish @ 12:31 PM

Emotion:defeated.
Random Thought:makibaka! huwag matakot!
What:the rumbling of the computer.

i needed a safe place to go so i'm sitting here in alexis' office letting my thoughts run free. what am i currently thinking about? what have i been thinking about? going to gabnet this weekend has reminded me of the many injustices that are occuring every minute of our lives and how easily it is for us to tune out this white noise with music, television, friends, homework. how easy it is for us with privilege to close the door on a crying nation, how easy it is for us to avoid the topic when it comes into conversation. well damnit, i want to talk to about it.

i've come to the conclusion that i am moved by my emotions. i am drawn to injustices and pushed forward to make sure justice is served by my personal attachment. i want to see a world of equality, equal pursuit of happiness and liberty. reality is however that that type of world doesn't exist. . . yet.

i'm on my way to school thinking about all the lessons that have been taught and retaught to me at this conference. i am reminded of how (lost this thought, my mom called me asking what scent of deoderant i preferred. . . i chose sunset breeze by lady speedstick) so let's retract, i'm on my way to school thinking about life, thinking about the children who are forced to become soldiers motivated by fear and witnesses to murders. i am reminded of the 22 year old filipina who was raped by 6 u.s. marines at subic bay thrown like a pig after they have their take of her. i am reminded of the many homeless shelters that are products of capitalism and forgotten communities. i sit there and remember. i listen to kiwi in hopes of inspiration. my body tingles at the sound of something like "bring the system down, bring it down now. . mabu mabu mabuuuu. . hay hay hay" i get chills when kiwi tells us that people are marching for justice. i sit there and am reminded.

i think how angry i am with people who can just sit there and not be motivated by the injustices that are occurring within the very world that they live on. one world, one people. what ever happened to those thoughts? to those words that we were taught to live by. when did we become a selfish planet? i think about the conversation i had with my mom this morning. the first true conversation that gave her a glimpse into my soul. into my thoughts and perspectives about the history and presence of her country, the philippines that one i now call home. i hear her tell me that the U.S. military should stay in the Philippines. It won't survive without them. I tell her it's a sick and twisted dependency and form of exploitation where women such as the 22 year old Filipina from Subic Bay are subject to rapes and forced into slavery. i tell her about the "little brown fucking machines" and the mail order brides how they are products of militarization and imperialism by the United States. and she understands me. but again i sat in my car thinking. . is this just displaced anger? do we filipino-americans feel so angry at the united states that we protest their imperialistic wizardy over the philippines? have we just targeted the united states as the main culprit of the semi-feudal semi-colonial philippines? i don't know. but now when i think of it and the words shared by women of the philippines congresswoman Liza, secretary general of GabNet who tell us otherwise, validating our angst towards the visiting forces agreement that allow such atrocities to occur in a third world nation once an economic power, i feel angry for the right reasons.

and for you to sit there who are reading this to not feel motivated by these numerous accounts of exploitation and injustice towards our very own people upsets me. but i understand. . . a different world, a different place. not everyone is on the same page. i just wish it was. . or we that we could turn the page together.

posted by trish @ 9:35 PM

virgin/whores, maria claras/prostitutes, we've all got that complex

so now it's time to make a comparative analysis across genders through racial lines. recently read something about mormons christianizing khmer girls and teaching them abstinence in order to prevent teen pregnancies. through this practice, they also created a gendered structure that defines a woman's behavior according to the "will of God." i don't know if it's too presumptuous to make that connection, but christian religion seems to do just that - define our gendered roles and expectations. it's responsible for telling us stories about virgin mary and mary magdalene. two very contrasting images of women but very telling of today's society.

catholicism was used as a tool to colonize the people of the philippines. it was used as a way to divide the society based on gender and class, giving the upper hand to elite males. through the spaniards' development of the educational system in the philippines, women and men received different types of education. . . women were domesticated and taught to adhere to the virgin mary image (despite friars' numerous claims to immaculate conception when a filipina they had sex with was impregnated or even the underground abortion clinics).

is it through religion that this virgin/whore, maria clara/prostitute complex is constructed and embedded into our society?

we all got this complex.

been a long minute.

so it's 22 days of a new year. things are changing left and right with tiny steps towards progression. it also has a ringing affect of the necessary education i need, that we all need, for this year.

i've narrowed my project to answer the following question: how do second generation pinays reclaim power that was denied to us through gender as a result of our cultural identity and upbringing? again referring to espiritu's claim that gender is the way in which the filipino community (intentional in using filipino to acknowledge the existing patriarchy) reclaims power that was denied to them through race.

i find it difficult to address issues of gender because it tends to be one sided. it seems that there is an assumption that when we are talking about gender issues it's mainly about women, but don't have we have 2 genders? (again, not going into the construction and multiple genders) i have really struggled with addressing and acknowledging the intersectionality that goes into my understanding of gender, even in practice. i think of womyn identified spaces and agree that they are as much necessary as spaces for people of color. maybe this is my third world feminism, my womanism speaking, but it's hard for me to have a discussion about womyn empowerment w/o including a discussion about men, patriarchy but also acknowledging the effects of patriarchy that has constructed our gendered behavior. additionally, recognizing the impact of race plus gender and how that all plays out. needless to say, i have found myself battling this drive to discuss pinay issues for the sake of only bringing pinay stories. not to say that i'm leaving it behind, but i'm also much more cognizant of gender as an inclusive term.

as far my thesis, again HOW DO 2ND GEN PINAYS RECLAIM POWER THAT WAS DENIED TO THEM THROUGH GENDER? using the maria clara as the symbol and identity of the virtuous pinay, also colonized, baptized, complacent, "a way a woman should be," i hope to deconstruct this image and as crude as it may sound lift up the dress and see what's really going on. again i'm plagued by the high suicide ideation rates of filipinas, the suppression of sexuality, the patriarchal system, and the virgin mary.

this also leads into the discussion of what this power looks like for pinays. is it through our sexuality, when are able to feel comfortable in "our" skin that we have reclaimed this power? reminds me of the time that i was in the vagina monologues. i was conflicted with the role that i was asked to play, the woman who loved to make vaginas happy. as sexually liberating and empowering it was to do that monologue, i wondered about what message this was sending to those who aren't aware of my politics and what it means to be a 3rd world woman of color playing this dominatrix, sextress role. i understand that we need to reclaim ourselves as empowered individuals to empower a community, but should an explanation accompany all our actions?

i felt the need to explain and reconcile this message that i would be sending as an asian woman who by virtue of image is viewed as a submissive, hypersexual female object. then again, it was so damn liberating to put myself out there and to really own my sexuality and sexual behavior. is that not a privilege though? i am so conflicted with attempting to understand the relationship between gender and sexuality as complicated by ethnic/racial identity.

ideas?