continuation

without actions, love is just a w<3rd.

lately i've been trying to reconcile my relationship to religion and spirituality. growing up in a converted devout catholic household as an only child at that time, i had the privilege and expectation to attend church every sunday, hold rosary beads every time the virgin mary came to our house, participate in charismatic prayer meetings, and to pray for my forgiveness every night. my sisters moved out before my parents discovered god. i was spoon fed religious rhetoric whenever something was wrong. i had god's eyes watching my every move leading me to live a life of fear. for those who do not fear god aren't holy or something like that.

anyway, i welcomed it into my heart. i was wearing white singing in the choir, carrying my rosary and wearing other religious decorations like bracelets made tight enough that they never come off unless you crush your hand. it made life, life. even if i didn't agree with the homilies and heard revisions of the bible, it resonated with me. it fed me. i had a hard time reconciling man's interpretation versus a universal god. it was the thought and belief of something greater than humans that connected everything that made it appealing. i was the point that this was becoming my own personal journey. i wasn't going to church because my parents told me to, i was practicing the way my parents wanted me to. it was becoming my own understanding and calling. then i hit a wall. i had a hard time reconciling my religious beliefs while embracing new found appreciation for buddhism, babaylans, animism, christian practices, and a move towards progressive praxis. i couldn't reconcile my beliefs with the preachings of man and the actions of humanity.

i needed to step away for a while. i put my beliefs into practice with community organizing. a building does not make a church. i have learned so much about love, compassion, community, and interconnectedness. this is more powerful than simply listening to a homily. i am fulfilled in this space, but now i am confronting my need for spiritual grounding once again. i'm learning how to mesh everything that i have learned, everything i am, and everything that is this universe.

at first it would come and go, i would ignore it and hide behind pragmatics. it is always there. this time, i want to be that open vessel, much more than before. my heart is open, my mind will be clear, my soul will be pure.

namaste, praise be the lord, allah.