morning.

the desire to write continually slips my mind. i am always enticed by the freedom and the beauty of expression, yet feel silenced, voice cut. for many reasons, it's been traumatizing to write. it's been a struggle trying to find a voice again after all the paranoia and anxiety surrounding it.

life is always a fun-filled, exciting rollercoaster. in the last few months, this ride has just had way too many dips making me nauseous. i'm mentally recovering from all the pain i experienced recently. can you imagine being asked to choose between love and militancy as guised through empowerment? i realize there are many ways we can twist the situation to make the outcome always positive, but it still doesn't negate the fact that there was mistrust and blinded judgments.

it is unfortunate to see how progressive communities, although progressive continue to divide communities. i realize we cannot serve all aspects of our complex lives in one organization, but there should always be room for dialogue and growth in the organization. it's contradictory to one's value system if they aim to empower communities by dictating their actions. at the same time, we cannot continue to live in a bubble. we need to bridge the gaps between praxis and communities. we cannot work in isolation otherwise the work is never recognized by others and it makes it difficult to build alliances. we are never alone in this struggle.

anyway, the day ahead is long full of errands and responsibilities i need to finish. it's been rough living the life of a broke college student. i get frustrated when i think about how old i am and how far i feel from stability. i know, i know. this is the price we pay to be in graduate school. it's difficult to function in a world outside academia. we sometimes have to cut ourselves out just to finish the paper creating more distance between us and communities we serve.

i'm in the midst of resumes, job fairs, seeking medical and dental insurance, and trying to finish my thesis. i struggle to maintain my obligation to the community and organizations. it's frustrating realizing the lack of services provided to the filam community after realizing the complexity of the issues such as high high school drop out rates, high pregnancy rates, high suicide ideation rates, high academic probation rates in college, high smoking rates, etc.