it's been quite the journey with challenges and learning how to just let go. a week has passed by and i've finally adjusted to be in the philippines. i think the biggest struggle was learning how to be a part of my family again. it's been a while since we've spent this much time together with such limited amount of personal space.
i'm currently pondering whether or not to return on the 7th or the 12th. it'll come to me, but i'm just not sure. i think a bit of homesickness has gotten to me that i'm longing to go home. at the same time, there's still so much for me to learn here and so much that i NEED to learn.
many blessings, at least i can say that.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
who knew. . .
that would politics get in the way of my advancement. particular power relations pushed me back a couple of steps where i will now have to officially complete these revisions. i thought it was just stuff that we read in our introductory courses about grad school. it looks like it's hits more closer to home.
i just gotta keep jumping over these hurdles.
i just gotta keep jumping over these hurdles.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
assumptions.
okay, so got a little road block in my way. i haven't exactly been advanced to candidacy. there was some discrepancy with the program policies. so i'm back to writing these revisions that i've been stuck on for the last year. i know and believe that i am in a better place where i am capable of completing this project.
i started reading "feminism without borders," mohanty really challenges me into re-thinking my approach. we tend to victimize communities of color, gendered communities, and other marginalized individuals or communities, therefore taking away their agency and viewing them through an objective lens. i am wary about viewing and constructing of a view of filipinas as victims because we are not victims per say but are conditioned and impacted by social and historical realities such as colonization, patriarchy, and imperialism. when i say reclaim, i am suggesting that pinays construct and negotiate their social location within the structures of society. in a sense, we contribute to the growing communities of resistance because oppression is not experienced in isolation. i am not trying to essentialize the pinay experience but simply engage in transnational, third word feminism which acknowledges and create a dialogue around these shared experiences. my thesis is a humble attempt to understanding how pinays exercise and create their agency.
i am using pinayism as a starting point to examine and name the particular pinay experiences. there really isn't much difference between third world feminism and pinayism all except that pinayism is specific to the flipina experience. i am not suggesting that this is the only approach, but rather attempting to expand our understanding and connection to the broader idea of women issues.
feminism, with its western origins, didn't impact the progressive communities in the philippines the way it did in the united states. rather, during the time of political uprising and nationalist movements, women issues, specifically filipina, were referred to as the "woman question" (Aguilar). There is this assumption that feminism is a global theoretical lens that is applicable to all communities. However, all social and historical conditions must be addressed to understand the varying experiences within gendered communities. During a time when feminism was viewed as the theory and lesbianism was the practice (hooks), not all women in feminist organizations subscribed themselves to this practice. This alludes to the disjuncture of feminism since it did not capture the individual's whole identity and politics. Again, this is not specific to feminism but speaks about the larger social justice movements which fractionalize progressive communities and efforts.
question: how do we have a movement that addresses and liberates our intersectionalities?
and i leave you with this:
Who Said It Was Simple by Audre Lorde
There are so many roots to the tree of anger
that sometimes the branches shatter
before they bear.
Sitting in Nedicks
the women rally before they march
discussing the problematic girls
they hire to make them free.
An almost white counterman passes
a waiting brother to serve them first
and the ladies neither notice nor reject
the slighter pleasures of their slavery.
But I who am bound by my mirror
as well as my bed
see causes in color
as well as sex
and sit here wondering
which me will survive
all these liberations.
-this blog was written in response to elise's recommendations.
i started reading "feminism without borders," mohanty really challenges me into re-thinking my approach. we tend to victimize communities of color, gendered communities, and other marginalized individuals or communities, therefore taking away their agency and viewing them through an objective lens. i am wary about viewing and constructing of a view of filipinas as victims because we are not victims per say but are conditioned and impacted by social and historical realities such as colonization, patriarchy, and imperialism. when i say reclaim, i am suggesting that pinays construct and negotiate their social location within the structures of society. in a sense, we contribute to the growing communities of resistance because oppression is not experienced in isolation. i am not trying to essentialize the pinay experience but simply engage in transnational, third word feminism which acknowledges and create a dialogue around these shared experiences. my thesis is a humble attempt to understanding how pinays exercise and create their agency.
i am using pinayism as a starting point to examine and name the particular pinay experiences. there really isn't much difference between third world feminism and pinayism all except that pinayism is specific to the flipina experience. i am not suggesting that this is the only approach, but rather attempting to expand our understanding and connection to the broader idea of women issues.
feminism, with its western origins, didn't impact the progressive communities in the philippines the way it did in the united states. rather, during the time of political uprising and nationalist movements, women issues, specifically filipina, were referred to as the "woman question" (Aguilar). There is this assumption that feminism is a global theoretical lens that is applicable to all communities. However, all social and historical conditions must be addressed to understand the varying experiences within gendered communities. During a time when feminism was viewed as the theory and lesbianism was the practice (hooks), not all women in feminist organizations subscribed themselves to this practice. This alludes to the disjuncture of feminism since it did not capture the individual's whole identity and politics. Again, this is not specific to feminism but speaks about the larger social justice movements which fractionalize progressive communities and efforts.
question: how do we have a movement that addresses and liberates our intersectionalities?
and i leave you with this:
Who Said It Was Simple by Audre Lorde
There are so many roots to the tree of anger
that sometimes the branches shatter
before they bear.
Sitting in Nedicks
the women rally before they march
discussing the problematic girls
they hire to make them free.
An almost white counterman passes
a waiting brother to serve them first
and the ladies neither notice nor reject
the slighter pleasures of their slavery.
But I who am bound by my mirror
as well as my bed
see causes in color
as well as sex
and sit here wondering
which me will survive
all these liberations.
-this blog was written in response to elise's recommendations.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
her words. . .
helped me get through the storm.
india arie's: psalms 23 from testimony 2: love and politics
I’ve Seen: Money come between my best friend and me
I’ve Seen: Old friend become new enemies
I’ve Been: Through a couple of litigations
I’ve Been: Through character assassination.
They Try To Put This Stick In Between My Wheels
But They Can’t Stop My Motivation (Nothing Will…)
Though I walk through the Valley where the shadow of death is… I fear no evil cause I’m protected.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE HEAVENLY FATHER
AND I DO BELIEVE I’M GOING TO PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER.
You won’t get the best of me even though you broke my heart….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 2X)
I Was Thinking: Maybe this isn’t the life for me.
I Was Thinking: Maybe I should leave the music industry
I’ve Been: Betrayed by the people I trusted
I’ve Been: Oh…seriously disgusted.
They Try To Put This Stick In Between My Wheels
But They Can’t Stop My Motivation (Nothing Will…)
Though I walk through the Valley where the shadow of death is… I fear no evil cause I’m protected.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER,
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE HEAVENLY FATHER~
AND I DO BELIEVE I’M GOING TO PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER.
You won’t get the best of me even though you got my money ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 2X)
MC Lyte Mix:
You Can’t Get The Best Of Me… Cause Of My Destiny
Not To Be Less Than Me …But To Be More.
So, Don’t Question Me..
I Came And I Conquered, I Soared
To New Heights And Still I Explored
In My Fight To Survive,
Lyte Is Too Right…
Keep My Eyes On New Sights
I Continue To Plight
So, When Try To Hurting Me
Even Deserting Me…
Know That I Am Designed To Overcome Adversity~
Want To Bring Out The Worst In Me …IT WON’T HAPPEN!
Because I Take Responsibility For My Actions.
My Tenacity…Well It Has To Be Everlasting…
Cause Even When Comes To Backstabbers…I’M LAUGHING!
You won’t get the best of me even though broke my heart ….I’m gone pick up the pieces.
You won’t get the best of me even though you got my money ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. (2X)
You won’t get the best of me because by the grace of GOD ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 4X)
india arie's: psalms 23 from testimony 2: love and politics
I’ve Seen: Money come between my best friend and me
I’ve Seen: Old friend become new enemies
I’ve Been: Through a couple of litigations
I’ve Been: Through character assassination.
They Try To Put This Stick In Between My Wheels
But They Can’t Stop My Motivation (Nothing Will…)
Though I walk through the Valley where the shadow of death is… I fear no evil cause I’m protected.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE HEAVENLY FATHER
AND I DO BELIEVE I’M GOING TO PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER.
You won’t get the best of me even though you broke my heart….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 2X)
I Was Thinking: Maybe this isn’t the life for me.
I Was Thinking: Maybe I should leave the music industry
I’ve Been: Betrayed by the people I trusted
I’ve Been: Oh…seriously disgusted.
They Try To Put This Stick In Between My Wheels
But They Can’t Stop My Motivation (Nothing Will…)
Though I walk through the Valley where the shadow of death is… I fear no evil cause I’m protected.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER,
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE HEAVENLY FATHER~
AND I DO BELIEVE I’M GOING TO PROSPER
CAUSE I’M WALKING WITH THE PRAYERS OF MY MOTHER.
You won’t get the best of me even though you got my money ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 2X)
MC Lyte Mix:
You Can’t Get The Best Of Me… Cause Of My Destiny
Not To Be Less Than Me …But To Be More.
So, Don’t Question Me..
I Came And I Conquered, I Soared
To New Heights And Still I Explored
In My Fight To Survive,
Lyte Is Too Right…
Keep My Eyes On New Sights
I Continue To Plight
So, When Try To Hurting Me
Even Deserting Me…
Know That I Am Designed To Overcome Adversity~
Want To Bring Out The Worst In Me …IT WON’T HAPPEN!
Because I Take Responsibility For My Actions.
My Tenacity…Well It Has To Be Everlasting…
Cause Even When Comes To Backstabbers…I’M LAUGHING!
You won’t get the best of me even though broke my heart ….I’m gone pick up the pieces.
You won’t get the best of me even though you got my money ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. (2X)
You won’t get the best of me because by the grace of GOD ….I’m gone pick up the pieces. ( 4X)
love the way the universe works. . .
i entered grad school the semester after undergrad graduation in '06. during the year, i met a former up ateneo professor at a conference where i co-facilitated a workshop about the filipin@ american experience in higher education. he encouraged me to consider teaching at the university in the phils and to coordinate a study-abroad program. ecstatic about this opportunity, i scolded my parents to consider helping me finance this opportunity. of course, to my dismay they questioned my desire to go to the phils, referring to it as "baliktad," and worried about my economic stability, "would you be making pesos or dollars?"
discouraged, i opted against pushing against my parents since i'm still economically dependent on them. with only a couple of months left and having missed the application deadlines for other programs, i submitted an application to CSU San Marcos' Master of Arts in Sociological Practice program. I signed up for another educational sentence at CSUSM. Again, it wasn't my first choice, but I felt like I had no other choice.
3 years have gone by. I've struggled through this process. I rushed my way through the core classes, juggling assignments and teaching while enrolled in 4 courses, proceeded by another semester with 3. This was my pattern for the first year and a half. Then I stopped. I questioned why I was rushing through graduate school. Was I even enjoying it and was this even for me? Was I doing this to prove my legitimacy to my parents? How do i reconcile my relationships as a community organizer and academic, a student organizer, and former under grad to grad at the same campus, etc? How do i even write something that is meaningful to the community and not compromise myself purely for the institution? I struggled.
I entered the program with a definite project in mind - understanding the transnational FIlipina/Filipina American feminist national democratic movement. I ended up being persuaded into writing about the Asian American Studies movement on campus; my proposal wasn't accepted. I was then redirected back to my original topic focusing specifically on 2nd gen Filipina American college student activists. I wrote a new proposal in less than a week after the first submission of the previous proposal. I defended my proposal and passed with revisions. My committee asked that the revisions be completed within a week. That was the point where i just stopped. I was tired of rushing through the program and even trying to write revisions in a week after I had just written my proposal the week before. I stopped. i decided to immerse myself back into the community in hopes of having a better understanding of it and how it connects to my research. This was Spring 2008.
Now, I received an email from my new chair and i'm being advanced to candidacy! I can finally begin conducting my research/data collection!!!!
discouraged, i opted against pushing against my parents since i'm still economically dependent on them. with only a couple of months left and having missed the application deadlines for other programs, i submitted an application to CSU San Marcos' Master of Arts in Sociological Practice program. I signed up for another educational sentence at CSUSM. Again, it wasn't my first choice, but I felt like I had no other choice.
3 years have gone by. I've struggled through this process. I rushed my way through the core classes, juggling assignments and teaching while enrolled in 4 courses, proceeded by another semester with 3. This was my pattern for the first year and a half. Then I stopped. I questioned why I was rushing through graduate school. Was I even enjoying it and was this even for me? Was I doing this to prove my legitimacy to my parents? How do i reconcile my relationships as a community organizer and academic, a student organizer, and former under grad to grad at the same campus, etc? How do i even write something that is meaningful to the community and not compromise myself purely for the institution? I struggled.
I entered the program with a definite project in mind - understanding the transnational FIlipina/Filipina American feminist national democratic movement. I ended up being persuaded into writing about the Asian American Studies movement on campus; my proposal wasn't accepted. I was then redirected back to my original topic focusing specifically on 2nd gen Filipina American college student activists. I wrote a new proposal in less than a week after the first submission of the previous proposal. I defended my proposal and passed with revisions. My committee asked that the revisions be completed within a week. That was the point where i just stopped. I was tired of rushing through the program and even trying to write revisions in a week after I had just written my proposal the week before. I stopped. i decided to immerse myself back into the community in hopes of having a better understanding of it and how it connects to my research. This was Spring 2008.
Now, I received an email from my new chair and i'm being advanced to candidacy! I can finally begin conducting my research/data collection!!!!
affirmation is always a good thing. . .
an email from a high school pinoy who attended my workshop at the recent FUSO mini-conference:
"Ateh Trish,is it okay if you would send me a copy of the Pinay short story you read for us at the Fuso gathering?..I really liked it alot. It made me realize that Filipino women are as strong as the guys in the family, and as smart, or even smarter. I already knew that, but at least i know another person who knows it also. You!. Im still thinking about what happend to you, you didnt deserve that. no joke, but your wonderful. I bet your your boyfriend is so lucky to have you. Your so smart, funny, pretty, and very helpful to the community. I know it and god knows it.=)hehe walang bollahan toh ah...I have a girlfriend, and I wont let anything happen to her.Ill protect her in anyway that i can. Its okay if she doesn't do the same thing for me. Im just happy that shes not like the others. and so lucky i found someone who her parents wont let her go anywhere.Anyways, sorry about "this novel"..hehe.jk..It was nice meeting you..Take care always and help out as many people as you can.
p.s. i know youll inspire alot of girls these days of what you do right now."
"Ateh Trish,is it okay if you would send me a copy of the Pinay short story you read for us at the Fuso gathering?..I really liked it alot. It made me realize that Filipino women are as strong as the guys in the family, and as smart, or even smarter. I already knew that, but at least i know another person who knows it also. You!. Im still thinking about what happend to you, you didnt deserve that. no joke, but your wonderful. I bet your your boyfriend is so lucky to have you. Your so smart, funny, pretty, and very helpful to the community. I know it and god knows it.=)hehe walang bollahan toh ah...I have a girlfriend, and I wont let anything happen to her.Ill protect her in anyway that i can. Its okay if she doesn't do the same thing for me. Im just happy that shes not like the others. and so lucky i found someone who her parents wont let her go anywhere.Anyways, sorry about "this novel"..hehe.jk..It was nice meeting you..Take care always and help out as many people as you can.
p.s. i know youll inspire alot of girls these days of what you do right now."
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
it's difficult not to be. . .
bitter, upset, and angry about things. i believe everyone is entitled to these feelings, but the question will be, "what are you gonna do with those emotions?" it took a long time until i was able to come to a good place for myself. i had to realize that i was my own sanctuary and couldn't look to the arms of a partner to solve everything or anything for me (or even a community for that matter). it takes more energy to be angry and upset than it does to do work out of love and peace.
a while ago, i posed a question, can you be militant with a heart? it's crazy when you think about what the heart can motivate people to do and say. i'm sure the folks who voted for prop 8 were doing it as an act of love to god and to society, we can say the same thing about those who voted no on prop 8. i think what gets lost is lost in translation. people's own interpretations of acts of love will contradict one another. but w/o the contradictions and the "problems" folks wouldn't have found meaning or a reason to act.
people say we're in a post racial time. racism no longer exists because people of color have succeeded in achieving the highest position in government. of course they choose to juxtapose this president with another person of color from the opposing side. so living in a post racial society allows for folks to dismiss the existence of institutional racism and the ongoing acts of racism. because of this post racial climate and the labeling of obama as a socialist, it seems as if all our problems are solved. if that's the case, then what does that mean for folks who are fighting for equity and social justice?
we will always need a reason to fight and to keep living. sometimes we just don't know any other way of living.
a while ago, i posed a question, can you be militant with a heart? it's crazy when you think about what the heart can motivate people to do and say. i'm sure the folks who voted for prop 8 were doing it as an act of love to god and to society, we can say the same thing about those who voted no on prop 8. i think what gets lost is lost in translation. people's own interpretations of acts of love will contradict one another. but w/o the contradictions and the "problems" folks wouldn't have found meaning or a reason to act.
people say we're in a post racial time. racism no longer exists because people of color have succeeded in achieving the highest position in government. of course they choose to juxtapose this president with another person of color from the opposing side. so living in a post racial society allows for folks to dismiss the existence of institutional racism and the ongoing acts of racism. because of this post racial climate and the labeling of obama as a socialist, it seems as if all our problems are solved. if that's the case, then what does that mean for folks who are fighting for equity and social justice?
we will always need a reason to fight and to keep living. sometimes we just don't know any other way of living.
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