today's gonna be a good day.

trialzz, v saints.

i'm so tempted to switch over to tumblr for it's coolness. i've been a blogspot user since 2002 (malaya.blogspot.com)

not much to really say. life is good.

block party - jean grae

[Verse One]

Listen

I don't wanna preach or come off bitter, this is a commentary auditory

Editorial, about the state of things, state of mind and state of being

What the fuck is goin on?How the fuck we gonna make it out?

It's hectic, from asbestos filled classrooms

to the stench of death that's still in New York

The air is thick with it, but it reaches further

Like the world murder rate

Circulate, cultivate your mind and soul, your heart and your body

So stagnant; niggaz, get off your block and travel

Stop actin like your flesh is metal and your hood's a magnet

We need to globalize, further spread on this earth

to appreciate the full value of individual worth

To realize how ridiculous the thought of ownership is

and protectin your turf - that's bullshit man

That's how we got colonized

Missionaries create foreign schools and change the native way & thinkin

So in ten years, we can have a foreign Columbine

in some small village in the Amazon, c'mon man



[Chorus]

You need to get out your house, get off your block, and see somethin

Go do somethin, go CHANGE somethin, or else we fall for nothin

You need to, travel the world

And when you come back, tell your girl and your girl and your girl..

and your man and your man and your man.. you understand?

So spread the word



[Verse Two]

It's every man for himself

That's why the black community is lackin in wealth, there's no unity

We soon to be chillin with rich white folk

and that means that we made it

Let our kids go hungry before our wardrobe is outdated

Rap careers are drug related, ballplayers, we need more lawyers

More housin and job created, why we waitin for it to be given?

We need to get up, and get out, and make our own livin

Instead of just makin more, inner-city children

More doctors in your building, righteous cops next door

If the system's corrupt, then change it

Fought for the right to vote, don't even use it

Forget electoral winnin

The way the world's goin, we in the ninth inning

Heh, and we still aren't up to bat

Niggaz is happy just to have the rights to sit on the bench

Like floor seats is alright, and that's as far as we reach

Materialistic values, not morals, that's what we teach

I see it in the youth, hungry for fame and money

Not for knowledge and pursuit of the truth

Pick up a book or a newspaper

Take a free class in politics or human behavior

We need to stop actin victimized, it's like we're day-walkin blind

Open your eyes, there's a whole world out there



[Chorus]



[Verse Three]

And you don't have to agree, or just be happy

Content and lose your hunger, push further

Cause I don't believe that pipe dreams exist

The world is what you make it, your life is all that you got

So take it to the limit

Why would you deny your spirit growth and happiness?

And if your peoples hold you back, they not your peoples at all

You know the, misery cliche

Ladies, know your worth; the way we givin it up

We might as well auction ourselves on eBay, to the lowest bidder

So what if his dough is better?Money doesn't make the man

Maybe self-sufficiency would better make you understand

Let's get it together

There's so much promise and it's just goin to waste

We turn crude, lack of class, lack of taste

And trust, they laughin at us

It's slow genocide

And I don't care how many bottles of Cristal you pop

It won't un-expose you as a known pedophile

Native child, runnin wild, to the ends of the earth

I'll see y'all at the last hundred miles, bet



[Chorus] - repeat 2X

continuation

without actions, love is just a w<3rd.

lately i've been trying to reconcile my relationship to religion and spirituality. growing up in a converted devout catholic household as an only child at that time, i had the privilege and expectation to attend church every sunday, hold rosary beads every time the virgin mary came to our house, participate in charismatic prayer meetings, and to pray for my forgiveness every night. my sisters moved out before my parents discovered god. i was spoon fed religious rhetoric whenever something was wrong. i had god's eyes watching my every move leading me to live a life of fear. for those who do not fear god aren't holy or something like that.

anyway, i welcomed it into my heart. i was wearing white singing in the choir, carrying my rosary and wearing other religious decorations like bracelets made tight enough that they never come off unless you crush your hand. it made life, life. even if i didn't agree with the homilies and heard revisions of the bible, it resonated with me. it fed me. i had a hard time reconciling man's interpretation versus a universal god. it was the thought and belief of something greater than humans that connected everything that made it appealing. i was the point that this was becoming my own personal journey. i wasn't going to church because my parents told me to, i was practicing the way my parents wanted me to. it was becoming my own understanding and calling. then i hit a wall. i had a hard time reconciling my religious beliefs while embracing new found appreciation for buddhism, babaylans, animism, christian practices, and a move towards progressive praxis. i couldn't reconcile my beliefs with the preachings of man and the actions of humanity.

i needed to step away for a while. i put my beliefs into practice with community organizing. a building does not make a church. i have learned so much about love, compassion, community, and interconnectedness. this is more powerful than simply listening to a homily. i am fulfilled in this space, but now i am confronting my need for spiritual grounding once again. i'm learning how to mesh everything that i have learned, everything i am, and everything that is this universe.

at first it would come and go, i would ignore it and hide behind pragmatics. it is always there. this time, i want to be that open vessel, much more than before. my heart is open, my mind will be clear, my soul will be pure.

namaste, praise be the lord, allah.

sup.

so i'm chillin here in oli's garage trying to gain inspiration again as kim and oli play the new version of an old song. i'm slowly meeting my voice again. she's stronger and much more beautiful than ever. after the many times where i've felt her leave, she comes back much stronger that i could ever imagine.

last year, around this time, she lept out of my soul as i screamed my way down the 805 pacing after an ex-boyfriend. pained and lost, each scream carved a deeper cave into my soul where my babaylan once lived. like extracting a tooth, i was overcome with sorrow and shame that i was loosing my wisdom. my mind was clouded with abandonment, fear, jealousy, and insecurity - the perfect recipe for self-destruction.

it's been about a year since that last time, she came back in pieces, slowly but surely. i found the strength in a women's organization. i had found a home to harness my babaylan, my energy, and my voice. i was confident that this space was setting a foundation, and it did. slowly, it began to chip away at what i thought was my path revealing my yellow brick road.

irony definitely has its way of creating a new comedic sitcom. criticizing the organization's lack of love and praxis, i was deauthorized because the love i had for my partner. valentine's day was the day that they would kick me out of the organization. ha. anticipating the end, i asked to speed up this suspense and instead left the organization during a valentine's day social just-us dance. ironic isn't it?

good morning.

sun is shining, birds are chirping, and i'm here blogging. it's my third day in a row, a true sign of progress.

i hope you enjoy the music as much as i do. these songs always rejuvenate and empower me to get through the day.

a lot of changes have been happening lately, neither good nor bad, just change. it's interesting how these changes coincide with meteor showers and eclipses.

anyway, there isn't much thought processing going on right now. it's 9:13 a.m., and i'm hungry.

Counting prayers like blessings

There are times when i can't help but feel VERY thankful for everything that has happened in the past couple of years. Through an abusive struggle, I am definitely on a better road. I am to see things much clearer and am standing firmly on my values and beliefs. Yesterday, I witnessed the power of organizing that comes from genuine compassion and love for the people. Although we are not necessarily organizing these people, we are at least being a catalyst for creating spaces for self-exploration and empowerment. As we know, we must start with ourselves to be present with the people.

As the organizations around me begin to experience extreme challenges, I am still amazed by people's resiliency and commitment. Sometimes we need to fall to rise up even stronger, like a phoenix from ashes. I cannot help but see and feel the power of the white dove.

things that offended me

during this process there were a number of things that offended me:

1. the comparison of my relationship with the "other" as an abusive relationship

2. someone who said "i'll walk out with you," who did, but followed up the walk-out by saying, "we just have to go somewhere."

3. the way people take things out of context

4. the way people were constantly checking up on me, my myspace posts, my facebook statuses, etc. and always making assumptions

5. the way that a leader knew that i was to be kicked out 6 months prior to being deauthorized and didn't tell me

6. asking for my resources right before i was to be kicked out

7. personal attacks and lies

8. asking me to sign an MOU and not keeping up their end of the bargain even if i had actually signed it

9. watching sisters empower sisters by denying their pain

10. being seen as a traitor

11. being told by a white woman who takes up a lot of space that i'm living a contradiction and that i need to address it since she said she's addressed hers w/o offering examples

12. being told that i'm not living a political life

morning.

the desire to write continually slips my mind. i am always enticed by the freedom and the beauty of expression, yet feel silenced, voice cut. for many reasons, it's been traumatizing to write. it's been a struggle trying to find a voice again after all the paranoia and anxiety surrounding it.

life is always a fun-filled, exciting rollercoaster. in the last few months, this ride has just had way too many dips making me nauseous. i'm mentally recovering from all the pain i experienced recently. can you imagine being asked to choose between love and militancy as guised through empowerment? i realize there are many ways we can twist the situation to make the outcome always positive, but it still doesn't negate the fact that there was mistrust and blinded judgments.

it is unfortunate to see how progressive communities, although progressive continue to divide communities. i realize we cannot serve all aspects of our complex lives in one organization, but there should always be room for dialogue and growth in the organization. it's contradictory to one's value system if they aim to empower communities by dictating their actions. at the same time, we cannot continue to live in a bubble. we need to bridge the gaps between praxis and communities. we cannot work in isolation otherwise the work is never recognized by others and it makes it difficult to build alliances. we are never alone in this struggle.

anyway, the day ahead is long full of errands and responsibilities i need to finish. it's been rough living the life of a broke college student. i get frustrated when i think about how old i am and how far i feel from stability. i know, i know. this is the price we pay to be in graduate school. it's difficult to function in a world outside academia. we sometimes have to cut ourselves out just to finish the paper creating more distance between us and communities we serve.

i'm in the midst of resumes, job fairs, seeking medical and dental insurance, and trying to finish my thesis. i struggle to maintain my obligation to the community and organizations. it's frustrating realizing the lack of services provided to the filam community after realizing the complexity of the issues such as high high school drop out rates, high pregnancy rates, high suicide ideation rates, high academic probation rates in college, high smoking rates, etc.

it's one of those nights

hella frustrated. so mind you, this blog is just gonna turn into a space where i can vent, write, process, cry, love, all that great stuff as i go through this journey of life and thesis.

so recently, i've been working within different spaces of the community. i realize now the importance of being able to work with various communities even in our filam community. the experiences are so diverse and important to work with to address the specific needs and issues.

but on the real tip, it just gets frustrating especially when working in a hierarchical structure. it's so apparent how disconnected folks are from the top to the bottom. these false assumptions and multiple directives get so confusing that the people that end up suffering are the ones in the middle and on the outskirts - communities we serve. it's just so depressing and frustrating seeing potential slip away. our community is so clouded with tsimis, pride, colonial mentality, and ego that we just keep nipping at each other. we're so blinded by the anger and greed we don't even see how people are hurting from our actions. at the same time, we don't even see how we feed into the problem. by not educating our communities about conquer & divide tactics, about ways to resolves issues as a community, we only perpetuate the colonizer's plan.

at this point, i do honestly wonder about the sake of our future. i have no doubt that we will continue to struggle through this as life is a struggle in itself. yet, we still need to be able to grow. we cannot continue to take 10 steps back from the years it took to get this far.

we must also remember that true revolution starts from within and the ability to recognize our connections. we ALWAYS must be mindful of the conditions in which people are living, dying, loving, and hurting. we can never expect folks to eat at the table when we haven't even invited them or helped them get there.

peace out of frustration.