Sister LIBERATION

Sister LIBERATION

I attempt to write the words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listen
Because it is then that we will see the extent to which we can free a nation
Of guilt, deceit, lies and dishonesty, shackled to you and me
It is then we will see the lights at the ends of these tunnels
Of underground railroads leading to where we began
It is then we will inhale the life we were meant to exhale only to see the senses of a reality censored by reality series, making us believe that this is what we are meant to be
Come towards the box and change the channel
Cuz im about to tell you something that I can’t even handle

I saw her walking the streets and I knew it then
She had carried a necklace of sweet scents merely for ten
Pesos instead I wanted to give her besos and let her know that I saw it too
I saw the words come from her lips as she called me ate
I look into her brown eyes that said she knew me, that we hadn’t forgotten
About the times we shared staring at the bright sun wishing for the world to blanket us with yellow shine
About the times we shared holding onto each other souls when he said “they’re not mine” as he threw us into the streets,
it was only a matter of time
Til we saw each other again
in this Manila night of a family reunion
Though my mom didn’t embrace her i knew it then she was my sister at nearly ten

I attempt to write these words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listen

I walked through the streets of palengke isles
Saw her fingers weave the roads where we crossed paths as a child
Though Seas a part, our souls intertwined
as she catches the rod to realign truth and weave memories
Fines lines defined her traced lips Her hair a tint of gray shine,
Falls into the loom telling stories of our lives continuously redefined
As corporations commodify our ancestry and sell her tapestries to walmart industries
Glimpses of her life unfold like the blanket she’s wrapping around me, saying 1050
I sip the nestle water I bought, I realize she’s a product in this industry
Though I didn’t see, this my sister calling out to me.

I attempt to write the words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listen

I heard her words drops like the tears from her eyes
When she told me that she didn’t want to this type of life
Her anger, frustration bottled for later in case she needed to fight
Against the man who beat her
His fists raised to the sky, strikes to deny her existence
She no longer has the strength to show him resistance
Instead she gave in to his arms and accepts these pages of her story
While he continue to reign in his false glory attempting to keep her soul refrained, contained, and unnamed
I see her eyes through the cages of his grips, she calls out to me and tells me
That this is you and you are me.
This is you and you are me.

I attempt to write the words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listen

I walked with us as we stormed the streets of rotten milk and honey
Screaming and demanding liberty
From a nation that makes profit from our souls as industry
To ship to other countries and reinvent their identity
Packaged in little boxes scented with its brand US colonizing ideology
Hiding the 3rd world hands that left finger prints to create this hot new commodity
And we consume it as if it’s something new and fashionable like the new pair of kicks I wear in this street
But I’m still screaming and demanding our liberty
Because I remember I am my sister liberation.

I wrote these write the words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listened
Not until you hold mirror of truth to your face do you realize that
the path needed to embrace on the road to sister liberation

modern day gabriela silang

messing around with all these new blogging widgets, must admit that i'm hesitant to put particular songs on the list because of its affiliation.  then again, fuck it right? music is music and how many songs are there that really address the militancy, empowered pinay sistas?  

two nights ago, i stood on stage. after having negotiated multiple contradictions, i hope that the message i delivered hit at least one heart and one soul.  

mental stimulation if you please. . . 

plus. . .



plus. . . the finale for the night. . . a booty shake contest

is the solution to. . .




and this. . .



(exhale)

why keep adding to the problem?

(singing) 

dahil sa yo nais kung mabuhay

dahil sa yo hangang mamatay

dapat mo tantuin wala ng ibang giliw

puso ko'y tantungin, ikaw at ikaw rin

were the words she used to sing to me as she gently combed back my hair 

and whispered in my ear, 'anak, dahil sa yo, it is because you. . . '

that i soared through the air like a bird searching for malakas at maganda

to dig my feet into the soil of milk and honey to plant new roots

cultivating new life with branches reaching overseas like overpacked balikbayan boxes

leaving behind the scent of sweat from kasingkil dancers, mixed with burning garbage and exhaust from traffic jams of bodies and jeepneys

these memories i stir in with every drop of adobo cooked over the stove and beneath my eyes

hoping that each bite will let you see through my eyes and taste a never-ending love that ocans can never separate from hearts of a community from one

and she continued. . . 

(singing) 

dahil sa yo ako'y lumigaya

pagmamahal ay alayan ka

kung tunay man ako

ay alipinin mo

ang lahat sa buhay ko

dahil sa yo

i laid there with my buried in her lap dreaming of running in the fields of mangoes and Dole's pineapples chasing after cousins like uncles chasing after pigs to celebrate our arrival

drifting away on notes like stars following rainbows and cotton kandi clouds to skies of bathala na

words that came from their lips in 1986 and 2001 when they decided it was because of yoyu that they would walk through the congestion of streets and malacanang's tower of lies and deceit

demanding justice MAKIBAKA, equality HUWAG, and liberty MATAKOT from strings that keep their lives attached to puppetry of red, white, and blue

all the meanwhile our thoughts were simply because of you

they carved a world like mandirigmas made of acacia wood teaching us the ways of the struggle, a roadmap to our hearts, with our bolos in hand just in case they strike

they wore tsinelas to shield away the striking blows from police as they stood united to let nuns place flowers in tanks as signs of never ending people power

as some where shipped away, visas stamped, and life placed in boxes to become political exiles

struggling to maintain memories and share stories to let you know that it is because of you that things can change

dahil sa yo nais kong mabuhay

dahil sa yo hangang mamatay

are the reasons why our lives though across oceans never divide the hearts' desire to give back to our mothers' and fathers' land

that we are always listening to the songs of our country knowing that they are really love songs dedicated to the Philippines

but sometimes we gotta move forward, can't sit around singing lyrics waiting on the world to change

or wearing stickers that say we simply voted for change

but we gotta do the thing necessary to make the change to let the world know that it because of you

that WE WANNA GO BEYOND shirting poverty like building houses with hollow foundations that shatter, t shirts that wear out and tatter, or serving our sistas on a platter, cuz we ALL still gotta get down with the heart of the matter

it's only a matter of time til we see the numbers rise of our people's lives dying for change even though they bear stamps as Philippines' number one export

sending remittances to sustain a government that waits to exploit more young bodies sending them to over 90 international countries

no protection from a government not even birth control

and somehow we're convinced that change will take shape as one man

forgetting about the SISTAS who shaped Makiling's mountains to bring us to a higher stage

where we need messages of love wrapped around colt 45s of knowledge and change

to put folks in positions of power and corruption in shackles of shame

so i sing these words to you as i gently comb back your hair reminding  you that it is because of you that we know what it means to be in love with the struggle

(singing)

dahil sa yo.

ideas.

they keep coming and i'm trying to find ways to fuse them together within an academic space. I realize that in the struggle for academic recognition i gave up part of myself to assimilate into an ivory tower of perpetual excellence.  we tend to sacrifice ourselves in so many ways just to reach for upward mobility, but what about when we decide to just stop?  is that not a form of liberation?  

so i'm sitting here re-thinking about the thesis.  

recently, i met a pinay at sdsu who is also writing about filipina transnational activism.  gah, i remember the beginning stages of my thesis and where it has lead me now.  i'm afraid that it's lost that transnational activism/feminist spin and is now focused on identity.  

i have been intentional in trying to steer away from identity development because that seems to be the regurgitated message of most pin@y scholars.  i get it, we have identity issues.  we're confused and torn between american and filipin@.  isn't it time though that we accept this as a newly constructed identity and stop reverting back to this essential idea of pre-colonial, indigenous identity? we run the risk of idolizing and imagining a society that has now transformed and continually transforms itself.  i understand the need to go back to one's roots, but we also run the risk of imagining and keeping the Philippines and Filipin@s in a place that lacks recognition of our progression.  of course the progression comes with contradiction. 

. . . 

it's hard to concentrate right now cuz i'm HELLA nervous about tomorrow's show. it didn't sink in until today as far as what kind of line-up i'm a part of.  never really expected to be in this position, poetry was just a hobby, performing was just for fun.  

now this shit is just scary. 

questions

how do 2nd generation pinays claim or reclaim power that was denied to them culturally through gender? 

are student organizations a way for pinays to re-invent and/or assert their gender identity that was hidden "beneath the maria claras"? 

how do 2nd generation pinays negotiate their intersectional identities within college, community, and family? 

what are pinays' views of the maria clara? 

what is the 2nd generation college student/activist pinay experience?

how does gender affect the pin@y community? 

is sexuality a way for pinays to reclaim power that was denied to them through gender? 

      but isn't this a contradictory to the cultural control over their bodies and virginity? 

      are we either promiscuous, "sexually constipated," or lgbtq? 

within the student organizations, are 2nd gen pinays cognizant of their gendered role? 

do they organize through a gendered lens? 

is gender addressed within the student organization? 

how often do they think about their gender in college, family, and community spaces? 

how does the gendering of  2nd gen pinoys affect the gendering of 2nd gen pinays? 

assuming that the pinay is active within the filam community, what contributes to her perseverance and determination in the community?  

do 2nd gen pinays challenge patriarchy and imperialism within the re-construction of their identity? 

is college the political womb? 

day something in organizer's rehab

it's day something of my organizer's rehab and i admit that i'm rebounding.  

still developing this

from wowowee, to mail order brides, to modern day slavery, to the women on deal, no deal. . it seems like women are nothing but accessories in this partiarchal society meant to keep the men's eyes entertained.  i wonder what the filipin@s who went to go to watch wowowee yesterday in san diego would think if their daughters were the ones who dancing around in a suggestive manner? but it's all out of fun and entertainment right?  that's why nicole "deserved" what happened to her along with the woman in okinawa.  

it seems to me that both men and woman are policing women's bodies and deciding on what's an appropriate and inappropriate display.  but then i get stuck when we throw in sexuality?  how do we own our sexuality and gender at the same time? 

more questions.

the more i embark on this journey to intellectual freedom, the more questions i have about reality.  one pervasive question is: how do filipinas reclaim power that was denied to them through gender oppression? if 1st generation filipin@s use the morality and virtuousity of their filipina daughters as a way to uplift the community, what effect does this have on the pinays?  are we constricted to these maria claras, the colonial image of a pinay as clothed by the spanish?  

i'm coming from a place where i see the world divided according to genitalia as the most basic form of gender segregation and we know the world would turn upside down if we complicated this even further to include gender expressions and identities and non-heteronormative behavior. anyway, as i was saying it seems to me that it is so much easier to organize a community based on racial/ethnic solidarity and to some degree a class level.  that is a space where both genders are collectively involved. yet when it comes it gender oppression, it tends to be very one-sided. . . a focus on woman's issues.  but does gender not oppress men as well?  is patriarchy not an oppressive structure for both filipinos and filipinas?  

i am trying to understand how as a community we are able to empower ourselves in each aspect of social justice through a collective process.  i am trying to understand how are planning on moving forward while recognizing that we live in a post colonial, imperialist world.  

there are so many pinays in positions of leadership in our filipin@ american student organizations.  college as a place where most of us become politically born and conscious also encourages our participation in these student organizations.  while the focus is on the community, i wonder how pinays address or understand the gender dynamic that takes place in these spaces.  at the same time understanding that these gender dynamics stem from a colonial, imperial, and patriarchal system that makes us interchangeable and complacent in the system. 

so. . .

i haven't made much progress on my thesis.  i realize the momentum is there after meeting with committee members, but then it fades away after a couple of days or so.  i don't think i have the discipline to get through this.  it's not as uniform and structured as taking classes.  

so what's on my plate:

KAMP: one more month to go and we still need to finalize our last lesson plan, last class is Dec 19

GABNet: i'm still around. as much as this is has been a personal struggle, i'm still around.  we have two high school conferences  and hopefully things will slow down. 

Townhall: meeting with the folks from Backroom Podcast to review the plan of action 

School: still have two assignments from last semester to complete

Thesis: JUST GET THAT SHIT DONE!

ASI: need to coordinate facilitators for the social justice retreat 

That's where i'm at right now. 

hard times

i have a hard time facing my mom, especially when asks about the progress on my thesis or tells me to tell my organizations to pay me.  i feel a sense of shame that i can't seem to write this damn thesis.  i feel the pressure to finish the "damn" thing and just find a job already.  i am ashamed that i don't have a job, but frustrated that my parents don't understand how much of a struggle it is to write this piece of research.  seeing my mom just brings up feelings of frustration and anxiety, maybe because i feel like i can't deliver.  i can't give my parents what they want right now despite the amounts of pressure that they place on me, although they deny it.  

Gender Superiority

Still processing Yen’s Chapter 7, in particular “gender is a key to immigrant identity and a vehicle for racialized immigrants to assert cultural superiority over the dominant group” Gender thus becomes the tool to assert and reclaim power that was denied through racism. Now, can race become the tool to assert and reclaim power that was denied through race? I’m stuck on this question simply because I don’t know if there is really a solution to this. I can understand how class can become a tool to assert and reclaim power that was denied through race in that we can say that Filipinos own their homes, work hard, etc. Because of that we can say that we’re better than the dominant group. But in terms of gender, how can we use either class or race to assert gender superiority? I’m asking these questions because I’m trying to understand how a national democratic movement which can easily understand the relationship between Filipino and poverty (race/ethnicity and class) interweaves gender? If the class situation in the Philippines is resolved what does that mean for gender oppression? How can people assert their gender superiority? I’m assuming that there might be an understanding that race is related to class, but how often to people think about its relation to gender and how there is multiple oppression. note that this is only one focus of oppression, we can also talk about sexuality, but at a later point so how do we have a movement, a social justice movement that will push forth an agenda of uplifting the Filipino community and instilling economic power to the country if the community relies on the virtuousity and morality of Filipinas? What happens to the women?

Does this make sense?

"We Don't Sleep Around Like the White Girls Do"

Just finished reading this chapter in Homebound.  It brought up a lot of interesting thoughts as I re-read this chapter as well as clarified a lot of things.  

Things that stick out right now:

Policing of sexuality and morality is a part of the colonial project and was used to racialize and oppress communities of color.  

When examining the immigrant and second generation Filipin@ American experience, the community has re-defined its morality and sexuality in contrast to the perception of the promiscuous, liberal White woman.  As a form of cultural resistance, the community upholds its cultural integrity by asserting the virtuousity and virginity of Filipina Americans.  

As I read this, different questions came up.  Can you be sexually liberated in a Philippine nationalistic, national democratic movement?  How is a person's sexual behavior monitored and policed by the movement/organizers in order to uphold this virtuous patriarchal image of a Maria Clara Filipina American?  What if she was queer, in terms of sexual behavior and consenting, no strings attached sex?  

Okay, so I'm going to go through page by page and write my responses to particular points in the reading. 

p. 157 Espiritu argues that "gender is a key to immigrant identity and a vehicle for racialized immigrants to assert cultural superiority over the dominant group." She continues to argue that culture not only serves as a lifeline to the home county and a basis for identity, it is also a "base from which immigrants stake their political and sociocultural claims on their new country."   

What I understand:  Gender is the tool to assert superiority over the dominant group and to preserve a cultural identity.  This new, adapting, and defining cultural identity is also a place where immigrants stake political and sociocultural claims on the new country.  I don't quite understand the "stake political and sociocultural claims on the new country," does this mean justifying the reasons why they are in the United States and the right to live in the US? 

p. 158 Filipin@ Americans are still an " ' invisible and silent minority' " in the United States despite its increasing population.  In order to assert and reclaim power which is denied to them through racism, they uplift the community through gender and the morality of Filipinas. The virtuous, moral Filipina identity is constructed in contrast to the the "conceptualization of white women as sexually immoral." It is also important to understand that the construction of feminity is created in relation to racial and cultural identities.  It is not uncommon for communities of color to assert a moral superiority as a strategy of resistance.  What is important to understand about this tactic is the impact it has on the women of these communities.   Although the face of moral superiority of Filipinas are being elevated, how does this contrast from the virtuous white woman of purity and power?  It is interesting how gender becomes the tool to oppress regardless of gender.  There is always this need to protect the women from "savages" or in the Filipinas' case, liberal American ways.  

"The elevation of Filipina chastity (particularly that of young women) has the effect of reinforcing masculinist and patriarchal power in the name of a greater ideal of national and ethnic self-respect." 

Because gender is the strategy of resistance, Filipinas "face numerous restrictions on their autonomy, mobility, and personal decision making." 

p. 159 Prior to moving to the United States, Filipina/os were already racialized due to the colonial project in the Philippines and the continued US imperial relationship to the Philippines.  

American means white.  It's synonymous. 

more than a slump.

so yet once again,  i'm stuck.  why am i constantly stuck?  i think the hole is just getting deeper and deeper.  as much as i want to write away this thesis, shed the extra pounds gained, and find a job, i'm just wallowing in the negativity of it all.  i'm constantly searching for the answer to, "WHY?" when i should just accept it and do something about it.  i guess that's too much processing and internalization for you that i'm always trying to locate the starting point.  

eh. 

she told me this. . .

that i need to focus and be dedicated to finishing this thesis.  it's just the beginning (as always) of one of the many hurdles that i'm going to need to jump over in order to get somewhere.  i've lost motivation and direction.  i'm somewhere between lazy and always sleepy and a sloth.  i beat myself up because i'm not doing anything.  i'm not progressing towards any direction.  i think the depression of not having a job or a masters degree is drowning my spirits.  i'm not longer sure about what i am writing or why i'm writing it.  as much as i understand that women's stories have always been silenced and filipinas are constantly fetishized and forgotten, i still don't know why or what i'm writing.  

let me try and iterate the task at hand:

i am trying to document the experiences of second generation filipina american student activists in san diego.  the reason why i am examining this experience is to elevate women's status and bring it forward in academic research, in particular the filipina american experience.  secondly, there is a lot research that explores and articulates the identity development of filipina americans, but there is  a lack of research that examines what happens after they've developed an identity or consciousness.  third, when observing student organizations i have noticed a majority of the officers and participants are filipina/filipina americans.  now what is this indicative of?  there is literature that shows that filipinas are highly encouraged to go into college as compared to filipinos.  also, would this attribute to the literature that suggests that filipinas are the cultural bearers of the family and obligated to carry this out even when they enter college?  

the college experience:  filipina americans are not usually afforded to choice to decide on which college to attend.  guided by their parents' decisions and overprotectiveness, they are usually sent to colleges close to home.  though there is an assumption that independence is earned at the age of 18, this is not the case for the filipina american.  she is still under the jurisdiction and police of her parents.  how does this contribute to the college experience?  according to rey monzon's study of first year filipin@/american college students, there is a dramatic drop in their college gpas as compared to their high school gpas and a large percentage of students are placed on academic probation.  with the understanding of recruitment and retention literature that suggests, first year involvement in extra curricular activities contributes to retention and graduation rates, we must understand the experiences of filipina american students who are involved in student organizations. at times, she may be faced with scrutiny from her family who tell her just to focus on her studies and not participate in the filipina/o student organization. but why does she still stay despite the lowered gpa, possible ap, and family stress?

who knows? 

i guess that's what i'm trying to find out.  

why i wouldn't want a kid right now.

its hard to keep a smile on my face while babysitting my niece only because i'm thinking about all the things i need to finish. . . like my thesis. she's at the curious stage, pressing buttons, ripping papers, eating papers, touching outlets, and changing radio stations. being around her makes me feel so overwhelmed, probably because she makes me think about all the things i need to accomplish before i ever decide to create a playmate. i hate to say it sometimes but i just don't want to babysit her. it's so time consuming and exhausting. i know it's only once a week but still it's one day lost. i wonder if she gets that sense from me, i'm sure she does at times. i think it's a manifestation of all the stress i'm experiencing right now. parents keep pressuring me about finding a job, buying a ticket to the philippines for them, my healthcare. on top of that my dad doesn't see the value of my thesis. he would have rather had me working right after my BA. then they tell me not to stress out, and really i'm not stressing out until they come around. i think i need my own bubble right now.

now let's think about my thesis:

my previous entry highlights the pressures of family when one chooses this particular path/lifestyle as an activist. it's seen as the penniless job w/no financial security. hence folks talk about their economic jobs aside from the community jobs.

what's the master's thesis

so i'm going to try something new since i haven't been productive staring at a blank word document. i'm hoping that this will inspire me to continue writing and even consider the thesis writing process enjoyable. for some reason i'm able to write pieces within minutes of a performance but i can't perform my thesis.

so what's the master's thesis? well, simply this: how do 2nd generation Filipina American college student activists in San Diego construct meaning of their worlds?

now can i answer that? do i really know what that means? not sure yet. i know that part of the resistance to writing this is because i am also writing about myself. i'm purging my story, my secrets, my pain, tears, and laughter in order to share the struggles of 2nd gen filipina american activists. i even struggle with the word filipina american, do i want use "pinay?" i'm not sure because that term is so loaded, what was once perceived to define a filipina american is broadly used over the internet as i have seen through my chats on filipinaheart.com

in a sense i am trying to understand my own struggles with the community and despite these challenges i still persevere. yes, i owe this to my college education because that was the place of my politicized birth, the womb so to speak. it gave birth to new terms and new consciousness that allowed me to become my personal bullhorn, to challenge the community, society, and even myself in hopes of progression. this is where i was surrounded, protected in this enclave to try new forms of government, community, and action. now i'm trying to prove that i have mastered the subject as well as the school seeing as how this is my 8th year at that campus.

of course i cannot forget my family which raised me and instilled this sense of FilipinOness in me. the family who dressed me up in ternos and hairsprayed my bangs so i could walk in Seattle's four of july parade with the FilAm Assocation. The family who still loved me even though I was a foreigner, the only one born in the United States. The mother who spoke to me in a Tagalog and sparked my curiosity in the language. the family who also showed me what it meant to be Filipina w/o really calling me one. i was my ate's chaperone on her dates, 7 years age difference meant that i was old enough (pesky) enough to get in between my sister and her date. it was this family that raised me catholic and showed me that as much as i tried to separate myself from religion it was the basis of my practices. the church provided the cultural community where i could celebrate my Filipin@ness as i received the holy communion from my tita and at times mother/father. it was this family that sparked my interest in understanding what i always felt like an outsider within our home and why my sisters were the way they were and why my parents were the way they were. i strived to be the bridge, fill the cultural gap between us, the intergenerational gap in hopes that we would make a home where i felt included.

and the community, my playground that allows me to tie in everything that i have learned from my political womb to my family. trying to extend everything, or as freire calls it "praxis." grounded theory based in my personal/familial experiences/college + action in community +self reflection = praxis. i still struggle to bridge the gaps between my action and family. that still needs to be resolved, but as others have said "you're family is the hardest to organize." in fact it is usually the driving force to our activisms.

each space has its similiar struggles that activists/progressives have to struggle through. it is amazing/fascinating to me that despite all the struggles, the immense patriarchy in all facets of these spaces, the efforts to de-colonize depsite imposing imperialism, and asserting one's feminism despite the silencing second generation filipina american activists are still able to persevere in san diego. one aspect to consider about san diego is the geopolitical climate with homeland security constantly in our backyard and 13 military bases in our homes. there's also this perception that activism doesn't exist in san diego, but folks constantly overlook the students, workers, and communities organizing. so we're not exactly like SF with the large rallies, but we do what we can. we've all become politicized. for some reason, i feel like i have to justify my activism, perhaps because there is this perception that you're not an activist until you choose a specific banner within the Filipina/o American community. who honestly gives them the right to decide and label activism within san diego. we always have folks leaving san diego to go to "meccas" of organizing in hopes of returning back to share new tactics, rarely does that ever happen. heh, the brain drain of san diego. then we have folks who come into san diego with the twinkle in their eyes of being the ones who will stage grand rallies and radical change in san diego only to be defeated by the conservative militaristic community. change is happening and folks (outsiders) don't see it. another thing, we're already divided by the 8, northside and southside, what more when we're divided by banners, and genders. it's all ideological right?