what's the master's thesis

so i'm going to try something new since i haven't been productive staring at a blank word document. i'm hoping that this will inspire me to continue writing and even consider the thesis writing process enjoyable. for some reason i'm able to write pieces within minutes of a performance but i can't perform my thesis.

so what's the master's thesis? well, simply this: how do 2nd generation Filipina American college student activists in San Diego construct meaning of their worlds?

now can i answer that? do i really know what that means? not sure yet. i know that part of the resistance to writing this is because i am also writing about myself. i'm purging my story, my secrets, my pain, tears, and laughter in order to share the struggles of 2nd gen filipina american activists. i even struggle with the word filipina american, do i want use "pinay?" i'm not sure because that term is so loaded, what was once perceived to define a filipina american is broadly used over the internet as i have seen through my chats on filipinaheart.com

in a sense i am trying to understand my own struggles with the community and despite these challenges i still persevere. yes, i owe this to my college education because that was the place of my politicized birth, the womb so to speak. it gave birth to new terms and new consciousness that allowed me to become my personal bullhorn, to challenge the community, society, and even myself in hopes of progression. this is where i was surrounded, protected in this enclave to try new forms of government, community, and action. now i'm trying to prove that i have mastered the subject as well as the school seeing as how this is my 8th year at that campus.

of course i cannot forget my family which raised me and instilled this sense of FilipinOness in me. the family who dressed me up in ternos and hairsprayed my bangs so i could walk in Seattle's four of july parade with the FilAm Assocation. The family who still loved me even though I was a foreigner, the only one born in the United States. The mother who spoke to me in a Tagalog and sparked my curiosity in the language. the family who also showed me what it meant to be Filipina w/o really calling me one. i was my ate's chaperone on her dates, 7 years age difference meant that i was old enough (pesky) enough to get in between my sister and her date. it was this family that raised me catholic and showed me that as much as i tried to separate myself from religion it was the basis of my practices. the church provided the cultural community where i could celebrate my Filipin@ness as i received the holy communion from my tita and at times mother/father. it was this family that sparked my interest in understanding what i always felt like an outsider within our home and why my sisters were the way they were and why my parents were the way they were. i strived to be the bridge, fill the cultural gap between us, the intergenerational gap in hopes that we would make a home where i felt included.

and the community, my playground that allows me to tie in everything that i have learned from my political womb to my family. trying to extend everything, or as freire calls it "praxis." grounded theory based in my personal/familial experiences/college + action in community +self reflection = praxis. i still struggle to bridge the gaps between my action and family. that still needs to be resolved, but as others have said "you're family is the hardest to organize." in fact it is usually the driving force to our activisms.

each space has its similiar struggles that activists/progressives have to struggle through. it is amazing/fascinating to me that despite all the struggles, the immense patriarchy in all facets of these spaces, the efforts to de-colonize depsite imposing imperialism, and asserting one's feminism despite the silencing second generation filipina american activists are still able to persevere in san diego. one aspect to consider about san diego is the geopolitical climate with homeland security constantly in our backyard and 13 military bases in our homes. there's also this perception that activism doesn't exist in san diego, but folks constantly overlook the students, workers, and communities organizing. so we're not exactly like SF with the large rallies, but we do what we can. we've all become politicized. for some reason, i feel like i have to justify my activism, perhaps because there is this perception that you're not an activist until you choose a specific banner within the Filipina/o American community. who honestly gives them the right to decide and label activism within san diego. we always have folks leaving san diego to go to "meccas" of organizing in hopes of returning back to share new tactics, rarely does that ever happen. heh, the brain drain of san diego. then we have folks who come into san diego with the twinkle in their eyes of being the ones who will stage grand rallies and radical change in san diego only to be defeated by the conservative militaristic community. change is happening and folks (outsiders) don't see it. another thing, we're already divided by the 8, northside and southside, what more when we're divided by banners, and genders. it's all ideological right?