after a painful bittersweet struggle, i am understanding and embracing this new found freedom. i now realize what it means to "not belong to anyone or anything." when i first registered to vote, 8 years ago, i registered as non-partisan. i couldn't decide between republican or democrat and didn't know much about the green or libertarian parties. to this day, i'm still non-partisan with a critical understanding there isn't much difference between the republican or democratic parties. people will always allude to ideological differences and practices but they use the same tools of capitalism, oppression, exploitation, manipulation, etc. you can pretty much say, "everything is one" or as lauryn hill says "everything is everything."
recently, i found myself at a divide among parties. i didn't understand why this divide existed if the mission was to serve the community, serve the people. i didn't understand how this generation would be at the same table as previous generations fighting over tsimis, pride, etc. i felt like collateral damage to someone else's war. i didn't want to believe this split was possible between these organizations. i didn't wanna to return to age 11 standing in the football fields in middle school being forced to choose between two sides, filipino or not. (i chose to hang out with more filipinos.)
this time was different. i didn't have the agency to choose. it was taken from me and i was kicked to the curb because of a highly political situation.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
it's haunting me.
i've been trying to cope with the recent developments of my life, but it just seems to haunt me. folks will call this "freedom," i just feel lost. it's painful to know that i've been kicked out of something that i yearned to belong to, a space to for like-minded folks. at least, that's what i thought. it's unimaginable that a space meant to empower people has done the very opposite thing. of course i can see it through their lens and say that they're letting me go to deal with my "contradictions." i thought i understood this movement. i thought i found my place in it, but i was just house sitting. it's really painful.
and so it brings me back to my thesis. . . my original thoughts and reasons for doing this project.
i recognized that most positions in filipin@ american student organizations including presidency were womyn led. i began to question the conditions of her leadership. how she experienced being in that position and as a key figure in the community which she serves. . . did it require that she remain meek and chaste? how did this new found voice sound to her family?
and so it brings me back to my thesis. . . my original thoughts and reasons for doing this project.
i recognized that most positions in filipin@ american student organizations including presidency were womyn led. i began to question the conditions of her leadership. how she experienced being in that position and as a key figure in the community which she serves. . . did it require that she remain meek and chaste? how did this new found voice sound to her family?
Monday, February 16, 2009
negotation.
Walking through the parallels of life
Trying get past perils of fights
Negotiating matters of the heart
cuz I wanna stay outta the dark
been a real lesson lately about what it means to exist in this world and how we are constantly in a state of negotiation, regardless of the situation.
depends on one's concept about "good" and "evil." i do not believe they exist, but one should strive to do what they can for the community and move beyond themselves.
Trying get past perils of fights
Negotiating matters of the heart
cuz I wanna stay outta the dark
been a real lesson lately about what it means to exist in this world and how we are constantly in a state of negotiation, regardless of the situation.
depends on one's concept about "good" and "evil." i do not believe they exist, but one should strive to do what they can for the community and move beyond themselves.
Friday, February 13, 2009
body ache.
i am at a point where i am realizing the connection between body, mind, and soul. because of what i have been going through lately my body has internalized all the pain and is now reacting. i am experiencing something that i haven't experienced in a while. though i have had the opportunity to take a walk down memory lane to see how things are all connected from childhood to high school to college to family to today. i am able to see the connections within each step and am grateful that it has prepared me for whatever changes are about to take place.
within a place of pain, there is growth. i can only hope that my body will be able to survive.
when i was a child i remember receiving my first journal. i don't know where the pain was coming from when i wrote - "i hate my family!!" i wasn't sure what provoked me to write those words at such a young age. we cannot protect ourselves from lies because we will have to face them one day or another. that entry opened the door to my distrust and feelings of abandonment. my parents struggled to give my sisters and i the "american dream." they wanted to provide something that they wanted for themselves as they were growing up. my dad took the navy entrance test three times until finally in 1974 he passed. he was 6 months shy of vietnam. my mom was an accountant in the philippines carrying her first born child. while my dad went to the states, my mother raised my 2 sisters with the help of our families.
in 1976, my dad rented a small apartment in oxnard, bought a car, and picked up my family from lax. i was born 7 years later, a final attempt at a boy. i was born into a family of tres marias. our lives were complicated as we all tried to adjust to this new lifestyle. i was questioning my sense of belonging in this family seeing as how i was the only who wasn't born in the philippines. by birth i was american.
there are so many secrets that if we keep it in our souls begin to deteriorate.
within a place of pain, there is growth. i can only hope that my body will be able to survive.
when i was a child i remember receiving my first journal. i don't know where the pain was coming from when i wrote - "i hate my family!!" i wasn't sure what provoked me to write those words at such a young age. we cannot protect ourselves from lies because we will have to face them one day or another. that entry opened the door to my distrust and feelings of abandonment. my parents struggled to give my sisters and i the "american dream." they wanted to provide something that they wanted for themselves as they were growing up. my dad took the navy entrance test three times until finally in 1974 he passed. he was 6 months shy of vietnam. my mom was an accountant in the philippines carrying her first born child. while my dad went to the states, my mother raised my 2 sisters with the help of our families.
in 1976, my dad rented a small apartment in oxnard, bought a car, and picked up my family from lax. i was born 7 years later, a final attempt at a boy. i was born into a family of tres marias. our lives were complicated as we all tried to adjust to this new lifestyle. i was questioning my sense of belonging in this family seeing as how i was the only who wasn't born in the philippines. by birth i was american.
there are so many secrets that if we keep it in our souls begin to deteriorate.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
