the end of a long relationship

Dear Chair, Please put this in my file as well. I know my lack of communication and deep seated pattern is inexcusable. I apologize and own up to my inappropriate behavior. The reason why I struggle with writing my thesis is because I'm struggling with the emotional abuse that I endured this past year as a part of the very issue that I am writing about. On February 14, 2009, I was deauthorized from the organization that shaped my interest in writing about the experiences of 2nd generation Filipina American activists. After having built my identity to a social justice advocate and activist at that time, my emotional, physical, and intellectual investment in this organization was stripped away from me causing me to rethink my relationship to the movement and to my own partner. Paranoia, anxiety, fear came as a result of this experience silencing my voice. I no longer felt safe knowing that people were constantly reporting my every action, email, online post because i was a questionable suspect, potential trader. Please also include the fact that in May 2009, I hit an all time bottom low. After three days of crying, cringing in fetal position, screaming, and contemplating suicide I realized I was mourning the loss of my voice and drive to even continue pushing forward. During that time I realized and relived the abuse that I've experienced from the age of 16 to that day. I was shocked to realize that the one organization that was aimed to empower me and address patriarchal, imperialist abuses was abusing me. They equated my current relationship to a relationship with an abuser without even understanding that prior to meeting him I WAS just in an abusive relationship. This relationship and this organization were the two things that were sustaining my drive to continue moving forward in life. Yet, when they were pitted against each other I was torn. I did not know who I could trust and what activism, sisterhood,revolution, and love were really about. I understand you want me to move forward, but this is still something I am going through still, right now. This past weekend, I hit another all time low trying to confront my thesis topic and emotions and intellect attached to this situation. I am trying, trust me I am trying. The pain is too much to bear. Sometimes avoidance helps me gain sanity and the will to continue living. Maybe to you, it's not too serious but this is what my life was about for the past 8 years. Joining GabNet was a defining moment in my activist career. I was hoping to expand my work to the international field through this organization. I was looking forward to the educational discussions and conscious raising activities that would help shape my understanding of anti-imperialist transnational social justice feminist frameworks. Now at this moment, I feel like I'm starting anew and no longer have an acute understanding of this topic or myself, but I am slowly confronting myself and situation. I am slowly finding the will to continue writing this story and finding my voice again.