like a thief in the night

MAY 2, 2009


depression settles in as each day and night passes by. i begin to allow myself to feel, to acknowledge, and talk about it. it's been 2 and half months since my life drastically changed. i am now just beginning to mourn and let the emotions pour out. i struggled to suffer in silence, but i just can't do it anymore. it's time to empower myself to confront this problem.

i am bothered by the realities of this invisible force separating the communities, pulling our lives a part and forcing people to choose between their better selves. yesterday during the may day march celebrating international worker's day, i yearned to hear a woman's voice on the microphone talk about the silent realities that women face in the workforce, in this imperialistic machine that relies on their labor and bodies. i yearned to see them stand and be present, but i was torn.

i had come to realize that i was suffering a deep depression after being deauthorized. all this time spent trying to appear bold and apathetic was just a lie to protect them to keep me silent. i continuously and still to this day try to rationalize the logic, the ideology, the reality, the pain. i listen, i question, i reflect, i do everything but speak up. and if i do, it's only to a few hearts and minds that are willing to listen.

as of now, i am overwhelmed by the task ahead of me - to write my story.

although the story took place prior to this, this is the the moment when i realized the importance of speaking up and taking action. plus, this is the most vivid memory that i can remember.

at 17, i had fallen into a relationship with someone with faults that i continuously forgave. i found myself in a love square and because i reluctantly gave my virginity i felt bound to this relationship. (so many times, we give what we think the other wants to have them stay even at the cost of our own dignity) physically, emotionally, spiritually, and verbally abused - i began to fight back. i hit him each time he struck me. i fought back with just as much force.

it started with an argument and a sarcastic suggestion. he took and began to call the girl from my high school who i didn't have a good relationship with. he began to sneak around and sleep with her.