hard times

i have a hard time facing my mom, especially when asks about the progress on my thesis or tells me to tell my organizations to pay me.  i feel a sense of shame that i can't seem to write this damn thesis.  i feel the pressure to finish the "damn" thing and just find a job already.  i am ashamed that i don't have a job, but frustrated that my parents don't understand how much of a struggle it is to write this piece of research.  seeing my mom just brings up feelings of frustration and anxiety, maybe because i feel like i can't deliver.  i can't give my parents what they want right now despite the amounts of pressure that they place on me, although they deny it.  

Gender Superiority

Still processing Yen’s Chapter 7, in particular “gender is a key to immigrant identity and a vehicle for racialized immigrants to assert cultural superiority over the dominant group” Gender thus becomes the tool to assert and reclaim power that was denied through racism. Now, can race become the tool to assert and reclaim power that was denied through race? I’m stuck on this question simply because I don’t know if there is really a solution to this. I can understand how class can become a tool to assert and reclaim power that was denied through race in that we can say that Filipinos own their homes, work hard, etc. Because of that we can say that we’re better than the dominant group. But in terms of gender, how can we use either class or race to assert gender superiority? I’m asking these questions because I’m trying to understand how a national democratic movement which can easily understand the relationship between Filipino and poverty (race/ethnicity and class) interweaves gender? If the class situation in the Philippines is resolved what does that mean for gender oppression? How can people assert their gender superiority? I’m assuming that there might be an understanding that race is related to class, but how often to people think about its relation to gender and how there is multiple oppression. note that this is only one focus of oppression, we can also talk about sexuality, but at a later point so how do we have a movement, a social justice movement that will push forth an agenda of uplifting the Filipino community and instilling economic power to the country if the community relies on the virtuousity and morality of Filipinas? What happens to the women?

Does this make sense?

"We Don't Sleep Around Like the White Girls Do"

Just finished reading this chapter in Homebound.  It brought up a lot of interesting thoughts as I re-read this chapter as well as clarified a lot of things.  

Things that stick out right now:

Policing of sexuality and morality is a part of the colonial project and was used to racialize and oppress communities of color.  

When examining the immigrant and second generation Filipin@ American experience, the community has re-defined its morality and sexuality in contrast to the perception of the promiscuous, liberal White woman.  As a form of cultural resistance, the community upholds its cultural integrity by asserting the virtuousity and virginity of Filipina Americans.  

As I read this, different questions came up.  Can you be sexually liberated in a Philippine nationalistic, national democratic movement?  How is a person's sexual behavior monitored and policed by the movement/organizers in order to uphold this virtuous patriarchal image of a Maria Clara Filipina American?  What if she was queer, in terms of sexual behavior and consenting, no strings attached sex?  

Okay, so I'm going to go through page by page and write my responses to particular points in the reading. 

p. 157 Espiritu argues that "gender is a key to immigrant identity and a vehicle for racialized immigrants to assert cultural superiority over the dominant group." She continues to argue that culture not only serves as a lifeline to the home county and a basis for identity, it is also a "base from which immigrants stake their political and sociocultural claims on their new country."   

What I understand:  Gender is the tool to assert superiority over the dominant group and to preserve a cultural identity.  This new, adapting, and defining cultural identity is also a place where immigrants stake political and sociocultural claims on the new country.  I don't quite understand the "stake political and sociocultural claims on the new country," does this mean justifying the reasons why they are in the United States and the right to live in the US? 

p. 158 Filipin@ Americans are still an " ' invisible and silent minority' " in the United States despite its increasing population.  In order to assert and reclaim power which is denied to them through racism, they uplift the community through gender and the morality of Filipinas. The virtuous, moral Filipina identity is constructed in contrast to the the "conceptualization of white women as sexually immoral." It is also important to understand that the construction of feminity is created in relation to racial and cultural identities.  It is not uncommon for communities of color to assert a moral superiority as a strategy of resistance.  What is important to understand about this tactic is the impact it has on the women of these communities.   Although the face of moral superiority of Filipinas are being elevated, how does this contrast from the virtuous white woman of purity and power?  It is interesting how gender becomes the tool to oppress regardless of gender.  There is always this need to protect the women from "savages" or in the Filipinas' case, liberal American ways.  

"The elevation of Filipina chastity (particularly that of young women) has the effect of reinforcing masculinist and patriarchal power in the name of a greater ideal of national and ethnic self-respect." 

Because gender is the strategy of resistance, Filipinas "face numerous restrictions on their autonomy, mobility, and personal decision making." 

p. 159 Prior to moving to the United States, Filipina/os were already racialized due to the colonial project in the Philippines and the continued US imperial relationship to the Philippines.  

American means white.  It's synonymous. 

more than a slump.

so yet once again,  i'm stuck.  why am i constantly stuck?  i think the hole is just getting deeper and deeper.  as much as i want to write away this thesis, shed the extra pounds gained, and find a job, i'm just wallowing in the negativity of it all.  i'm constantly searching for the answer to, "WHY?" when i should just accept it and do something about it.  i guess that's too much processing and internalization for you that i'm always trying to locate the starting point.  

eh. 

she told me this. . .

that i need to focus and be dedicated to finishing this thesis.  it's just the beginning (as always) of one of the many hurdles that i'm going to need to jump over in order to get somewhere.  i've lost motivation and direction.  i'm somewhere between lazy and always sleepy and a sloth.  i beat myself up because i'm not doing anything.  i'm not progressing towards any direction.  i think the depression of not having a job or a masters degree is drowning my spirits.  i'm not longer sure about what i am writing or why i'm writing it.  as much as i understand that women's stories have always been silenced and filipinas are constantly fetishized and forgotten, i still don't know why or what i'm writing.  

let me try and iterate the task at hand:

i am trying to document the experiences of second generation filipina american student activists in san diego.  the reason why i am examining this experience is to elevate women's status and bring it forward in academic research, in particular the filipina american experience.  secondly, there is a lot research that explores and articulates the identity development of filipina americans, but there is  a lack of research that examines what happens after they've developed an identity or consciousness.  third, when observing student organizations i have noticed a majority of the officers and participants are filipina/filipina americans.  now what is this indicative of?  there is literature that shows that filipinas are highly encouraged to go into college as compared to filipinos.  also, would this attribute to the literature that suggests that filipinas are the cultural bearers of the family and obligated to carry this out even when they enter college?  

the college experience:  filipina americans are not usually afforded to choice to decide on which college to attend.  guided by their parents' decisions and overprotectiveness, they are usually sent to colleges close to home.  though there is an assumption that independence is earned at the age of 18, this is not the case for the filipina american.  she is still under the jurisdiction and police of her parents.  how does this contribute to the college experience?  according to rey monzon's study of first year filipin@/american college students, there is a dramatic drop in their college gpas as compared to their high school gpas and a large percentage of students are placed on academic probation.  with the understanding of recruitment and retention literature that suggests, first year involvement in extra curricular activities contributes to retention and graduation rates, we must understand the experiences of filipina american students who are involved in student organizations. at times, she may be faced with scrutiny from her family who tell her just to focus on her studies and not participate in the filipina/o student organization. but why does she still stay despite the lowered gpa, possible ap, and family stress?

who knows? 

i guess that's what i'm trying to find out.  

why i wouldn't want a kid right now.

its hard to keep a smile on my face while babysitting my niece only because i'm thinking about all the things i need to finish. . . like my thesis. she's at the curious stage, pressing buttons, ripping papers, eating papers, touching outlets, and changing radio stations. being around her makes me feel so overwhelmed, probably because she makes me think about all the things i need to accomplish before i ever decide to create a playmate. i hate to say it sometimes but i just don't want to babysit her. it's so time consuming and exhausting. i know it's only once a week but still it's one day lost. i wonder if she gets that sense from me, i'm sure she does at times. i think it's a manifestation of all the stress i'm experiencing right now. parents keep pressuring me about finding a job, buying a ticket to the philippines for them, my healthcare. on top of that my dad doesn't see the value of my thesis. he would have rather had me working right after my BA. then they tell me not to stress out, and really i'm not stressing out until they come around. i think i need my own bubble right now.

now let's think about my thesis:

my previous entry highlights the pressures of family when one chooses this particular path/lifestyle as an activist. it's seen as the penniless job w/no financial security. hence folks talk about their economic jobs aside from the community jobs.

what's the master's thesis

so i'm going to try something new since i haven't been productive staring at a blank word document. i'm hoping that this will inspire me to continue writing and even consider the thesis writing process enjoyable. for some reason i'm able to write pieces within minutes of a performance but i can't perform my thesis.

so what's the master's thesis? well, simply this: how do 2nd generation Filipina American college student activists in San Diego construct meaning of their worlds?

now can i answer that? do i really know what that means? not sure yet. i know that part of the resistance to writing this is because i am also writing about myself. i'm purging my story, my secrets, my pain, tears, and laughter in order to share the struggles of 2nd gen filipina american activists. i even struggle with the word filipina american, do i want use "pinay?" i'm not sure because that term is so loaded, what was once perceived to define a filipina american is broadly used over the internet as i have seen through my chats on filipinaheart.com

in a sense i am trying to understand my own struggles with the community and despite these challenges i still persevere. yes, i owe this to my college education because that was the place of my politicized birth, the womb so to speak. it gave birth to new terms and new consciousness that allowed me to become my personal bullhorn, to challenge the community, society, and even myself in hopes of progression. this is where i was surrounded, protected in this enclave to try new forms of government, community, and action. now i'm trying to prove that i have mastered the subject as well as the school seeing as how this is my 8th year at that campus.

of course i cannot forget my family which raised me and instilled this sense of FilipinOness in me. the family who dressed me up in ternos and hairsprayed my bangs so i could walk in Seattle's four of july parade with the FilAm Assocation. The family who still loved me even though I was a foreigner, the only one born in the United States. The mother who spoke to me in a Tagalog and sparked my curiosity in the language. the family who also showed me what it meant to be Filipina w/o really calling me one. i was my ate's chaperone on her dates, 7 years age difference meant that i was old enough (pesky) enough to get in between my sister and her date. it was this family that raised me catholic and showed me that as much as i tried to separate myself from religion it was the basis of my practices. the church provided the cultural community where i could celebrate my Filipin@ness as i received the holy communion from my tita and at times mother/father. it was this family that sparked my interest in understanding what i always felt like an outsider within our home and why my sisters were the way they were and why my parents were the way they were. i strived to be the bridge, fill the cultural gap between us, the intergenerational gap in hopes that we would make a home where i felt included.

and the community, my playground that allows me to tie in everything that i have learned from my political womb to my family. trying to extend everything, or as freire calls it "praxis." grounded theory based in my personal/familial experiences/college + action in community +self reflection = praxis. i still struggle to bridge the gaps between my action and family. that still needs to be resolved, but as others have said "you're family is the hardest to organize." in fact it is usually the driving force to our activisms.

each space has its similiar struggles that activists/progressives have to struggle through. it is amazing/fascinating to me that despite all the struggles, the immense patriarchy in all facets of these spaces, the efforts to de-colonize depsite imposing imperialism, and asserting one's feminism despite the silencing second generation filipina american activists are still able to persevere in san diego. one aspect to consider about san diego is the geopolitical climate with homeland security constantly in our backyard and 13 military bases in our homes. there's also this perception that activism doesn't exist in san diego, but folks constantly overlook the students, workers, and communities organizing. so we're not exactly like SF with the large rallies, but we do what we can. we've all become politicized. for some reason, i feel like i have to justify my activism, perhaps because there is this perception that you're not an activist until you choose a specific banner within the Filipina/o American community. who honestly gives them the right to decide and label activism within san diego. we always have folks leaving san diego to go to "meccas" of organizing in hopes of returning back to share new tactics, rarely does that ever happen. heh, the brain drain of san diego. then we have folks who come into san diego with the twinkle in their eyes of being the ones who will stage grand rallies and radical change in san diego only to be defeated by the conservative militaristic community. change is happening and folks (outsiders) don't see it. another thing, we're already divided by the 8, northside and southside, what more when we're divided by banners, and genders. it's all ideological right?