ideas.

they keep coming and i'm trying to find ways to fuse them together within an academic space. I realize that in the struggle for academic recognition i gave up part of myself to assimilate into an ivory tower of perpetual excellence.  we tend to sacrifice ourselves in so many ways just to reach for upward mobility, but what about when we decide to just stop?  is that not a form of liberation?  

so i'm sitting here re-thinking about the thesis.  

recently, i met a pinay at sdsu who is also writing about filipina transnational activism.  gah, i remember the beginning stages of my thesis and where it has lead me now.  i'm afraid that it's lost that transnational activism/feminist spin and is now focused on identity.  

i have been intentional in trying to steer away from identity development because that seems to be the regurgitated message of most pin@y scholars.  i get it, we have identity issues.  we're confused and torn between american and filipin@.  isn't it time though that we accept this as a newly constructed identity and stop reverting back to this essential idea of pre-colonial, indigenous identity? we run the risk of idolizing and imagining a society that has now transformed and continually transforms itself.  i understand the need to go back to one's roots, but we also run the risk of imagining and keeping the Philippines and Filipin@s in a place that lacks recognition of our progression.  of course the progression comes with contradiction. 

. . . 

it's hard to concentrate right now cuz i'm HELLA nervous about tomorrow's show. it didn't sink in until today as far as what kind of line-up i'm a part of.  never really expected to be in this position, poetry was just a hobby, performing was just for fun.  

now this shit is just scary.