been a long minute.

so it's 22 days of a new year. things are changing left and right with tiny steps towards progression. it also has a ringing affect of the necessary education i need, that we all need, for this year.

i've narrowed my project to answer the following question: how do second generation pinays reclaim power that was denied to us through gender as a result of our cultural identity and upbringing? again referring to espiritu's claim that gender is the way in which the filipino community (intentional in using filipino to acknowledge the existing patriarchy) reclaims power that was denied to them through race.

i find it difficult to address issues of gender because it tends to be one sided. it seems that there is an assumption that when we are talking about gender issues it's mainly about women, but don't have we have 2 genders? (again, not going into the construction and multiple genders) i have really struggled with addressing and acknowledging the intersectionality that goes into my understanding of gender, even in practice. i think of womyn identified spaces and agree that they are as much necessary as spaces for people of color. maybe this is my third world feminism, my womanism speaking, but it's hard for me to have a discussion about womyn empowerment w/o including a discussion about men, patriarchy but also acknowledging the effects of patriarchy that has constructed our gendered behavior. additionally, recognizing the impact of race plus gender and how that all plays out. needless to say, i have found myself battling this drive to discuss pinay issues for the sake of only bringing pinay stories. not to say that i'm leaving it behind, but i'm also much more cognizant of gender as an inclusive term.

as far my thesis, again HOW DO 2ND GEN PINAYS RECLAIM POWER THAT WAS DENIED TO THEM THROUGH GENDER? using the maria clara as the symbol and identity of the virtuous pinay, also colonized, baptized, complacent, "a way a woman should be," i hope to deconstruct this image and as crude as it may sound lift up the dress and see what's really going on. again i'm plagued by the high suicide ideation rates of filipinas, the suppression of sexuality, the patriarchal system, and the virgin mary.

this also leads into the discussion of what this power looks like for pinays. is it through our sexuality, when are able to feel comfortable in "our" skin that we have reclaimed this power? reminds me of the time that i was in the vagina monologues. i was conflicted with the role that i was asked to play, the woman who loved to make vaginas happy. as sexually liberating and empowering it was to do that monologue, i wondered about what message this was sending to those who aren't aware of my politics and what it means to be a 3rd world woman of color playing this dominatrix, sextress role. i understand that we need to reclaim ourselves as empowered individuals to empower a community, but should an explanation accompany all our actions?

i felt the need to explain and reconcile this message that i would be sending as an asian woman who by virtue of image is viewed as a submissive, hypersexual female object. then again, it was so damn liberating to put myself out there and to really own my sexuality and sexual behavior. is that not a privilege though? i am so conflicted with attempting to understand the relationship between gender and sexuality as complicated by ethnic/racial identity.

ideas?