she told me this. . .

that i need to focus and be dedicated to finishing this thesis.  it's just the beginning (as always) of one of the many hurdles that i'm going to need to jump over in order to get somewhere.  i've lost motivation and direction.  i'm somewhere between lazy and always sleepy and a sloth.  i beat myself up because i'm not doing anything.  i'm not progressing towards any direction.  i think the depression of not having a job or a masters degree is drowning my spirits.  i'm not longer sure about what i am writing or why i'm writing it.  as much as i understand that women's stories have always been silenced and filipinas are constantly fetishized and forgotten, i still don't know why or what i'm writing.  

let me try and iterate the task at hand:

i am trying to document the experiences of second generation filipina american student activists in san diego.  the reason why i am examining this experience is to elevate women's status and bring it forward in academic research, in particular the filipina american experience.  secondly, there is a lot research that explores and articulates the identity development of filipina americans, but there is  a lack of research that examines what happens after they've developed an identity or consciousness.  third, when observing student organizations i have noticed a majority of the officers and participants are filipina/filipina americans.  now what is this indicative of?  there is literature that shows that filipinas are highly encouraged to go into college as compared to filipinos.  also, would this attribute to the literature that suggests that filipinas are the cultural bearers of the family and obligated to carry this out even when they enter college?  

the college experience:  filipina americans are not usually afforded to choice to decide on which college to attend.  guided by their parents' decisions and overprotectiveness, they are usually sent to colleges close to home.  though there is an assumption that independence is earned at the age of 18, this is not the case for the filipina american.  she is still under the jurisdiction and police of her parents.  how does this contribute to the college experience?  according to rey monzon's study of first year filipin@/american college students, there is a dramatic drop in their college gpas as compared to their high school gpas and a large percentage of students are placed on academic probation.  with the understanding of recruitment and retention literature that suggests, first year involvement in extra curricular activities contributes to retention and graduation rates, we must understand the experiences of filipina american students who are involved in student organizations. at times, she may be faced with scrutiny from her family who tell her just to focus on her studies and not participate in the filipina/o student organization. but why does she still stay despite the lowered gpa, possible ap, and family stress?

who knows? 

i guess that's what i'm trying to find out.