things that offended me

during this process there were a number of things that offended me:

1. the comparison of my relationship with the "other" as an abusive relationship

2. someone who said "i'll walk out with you," who did, but followed up the walk-out by saying, "we just have to go somewhere."

3. the way people take things out of context

4. the way people were constantly checking up on me, my myspace posts, my facebook statuses, etc. and always making assumptions

5. the way that a leader knew that i was to be kicked out 6 months prior to being deauthorized and didn't tell me

6. asking for my resources right before i was to be kicked out

7. personal attacks and lies

8. asking me to sign an MOU and not keeping up their end of the bargain even if i had actually signed it

9. watching sisters empower sisters by denying their pain

10. being seen as a traitor

11. being told by a white woman who takes up a lot of space that i'm living a contradiction and that i need to address it since she said she's addressed hers w/o offering examples

12. being told that i'm not living a political life

morning.

the desire to write continually slips my mind. i am always enticed by the freedom and the beauty of expression, yet feel silenced, voice cut. for many reasons, it's been traumatizing to write. it's been a struggle trying to find a voice again after all the paranoia and anxiety surrounding it.

life is always a fun-filled, exciting rollercoaster. in the last few months, this ride has just had way too many dips making me nauseous. i'm mentally recovering from all the pain i experienced recently. can you imagine being asked to choose between love and militancy as guised through empowerment? i realize there are many ways we can twist the situation to make the outcome always positive, but it still doesn't negate the fact that there was mistrust and blinded judgments.

it is unfortunate to see how progressive communities, although progressive continue to divide communities. i realize we cannot serve all aspects of our complex lives in one organization, but there should always be room for dialogue and growth in the organization. it's contradictory to one's value system if they aim to empower communities by dictating their actions. at the same time, we cannot continue to live in a bubble. we need to bridge the gaps between praxis and communities. we cannot work in isolation otherwise the work is never recognized by others and it makes it difficult to build alliances. we are never alone in this struggle.

anyway, the day ahead is long full of errands and responsibilities i need to finish. it's been rough living the life of a broke college student. i get frustrated when i think about how old i am and how far i feel from stability. i know, i know. this is the price we pay to be in graduate school. it's difficult to function in a world outside academia. we sometimes have to cut ourselves out just to finish the paper creating more distance between us and communities we serve.

i'm in the midst of resumes, job fairs, seeking medical and dental insurance, and trying to finish my thesis. i struggle to maintain my obligation to the community and organizations. it's frustrating realizing the lack of services provided to the filam community after realizing the complexity of the issues such as high high school drop out rates, high pregnancy rates, high suicide ideation rates, high academic probation rates in college, high smoking rates, etc.

it's one of those nights

hella frustrated. so mind you, this blog is just gonna turn into a space where i can vent, write, process, cry, love, all that great stuff as i go through this journey of life and thesis.

so recently, i've been working within different spaces of the community. i realize now the importance of being able to work with various communities even in our filam community. the experiences are so diverse and important to work with to address the specific needs and issues.

but on the real tip, it just gets frustrating especially when working in a hierarchical structure. it's so apparent how disconnected folks are from the top to the bottom. these false assumptions and multiple directives get so confusing that the people that end up suffering are the ones in the middle and on the outskirts - communities we serve. it's just so depressing and frustrating seeing potential slip away. our community is so clouded with tsimis, pride, colonial mentality, and ego that we just keep nipping at each other. we're so blinded by the anger and greed we don't even see how people are hurting from our actions. at the same time, we don't even see how we feed into the problem. by not educating our communities about conquer & divide tactics, about ways to resolves issues as a community, we only perpetuate the colonizer's plan.

at this point, i do honestly wonder about the sake of our future. i have no doubt that we will continue to struggle through this as life is a struggle in itself. yet, we still need to be able to grow. we cannot continue to take 10 steps back from the years it took to get this far.

we must also remember that true revolution starts from within and the ability to recognize our connections. we ALWAYS must be mindful of the conditions in which people are living, dying, loving, and hurting. we can never expect folks to eat at the table when we haven't even invited them or helped them get there.

peace out of frustration.

i did a bad thing.

i peeked. i shouldn't have, but the trance of being drawn into someone's drama is too enticing - especially when my name is somehow thrown into the mix. i seem to find myself at the crossroads of many relationships may it be community or personal. these insecurities plague my character. i'm racing to catch onto the skirts of my dignity, which is probably why i'm literally running again.

i'm in the place where i want to be strong - spiritually, mentally, and physically. i want to stand grounded on my foundation. i enjoy it when my feet are rooted on the earth's floor. i feel powerful and whole.

this journey is returning to its spiritual center.

namaste.

like a thief in the night

MAY 2, 2009


depression settles in as each day and night passes by. i begin to allow myself to feel, to acknowledge, and talk about it. it's been 2 and half months since my life drastically changed. i am now just beginning to mourn and let the emotions pour out. i struggled to suffer in silence, but i just can't do it anymore. it's time to empower myself to confront this problem.

i am bothered by the realities of this invisible force separating the communities, pulling our lives a part and forcing people to choose between their better selves. yesterday during the may day march celebrating international worker's day, i yearned to hear a woman's voice on the microphone talk about the silent realities that women face in the workforce, in this imperialistic machine that relies on their labor and bodies. i yearned to see them stand and be present, but i was torn.

i had come to realize that i was suffering a deep depression after being deauthorized. all this time spent trying to appear bold and apathetic was just a lie to protect them to keep me silent. i continuously and still to this day try to rationalize the logic, the ideology, the reality, the pain. i listen, i question, i reflect, i do everything but speak up. and if i do, it's only to a few hearts and minds that are willing to listen.

as of now, i am overwhelmed by the task ahead of me - to write my story.

although the story took place prior to this, this is the the moment when i realized the importance of speaking up and taking action. plus, this is the most vivid memory that i can remember.

at 17, i had fallen into a relationship with someone with faults that i continuously forgave. i found myself in a love square and because i reluctantly gave my virginity i felt bound to this relationship. (so many times, we give what we think the other wants to have them stay even at the cost of our own dignity) physically, emotionally, spiritually, and verbally abused - i began to fight back. i hit him each time he struck me. i fought back with just as much force.

it started with an argument and a sarcastic suggestion. he took and began to call the girl from my high school who i didn't have a good relationship with. he began to sneak around and sleep with her.

no more politricking.

i'm tired of all this politricking and shit-campaigning. i just want to organize. yea, i understand there are politics behind the organizing and folks need to fall in a particular line to organize - but what about when you just wanna organize from the heart line?

for about a year, i kept silent about the issue. like a victim, i accepted it and wanted to protect them, but i wonder how does one determine which woman or person is worthy of being "saved?" how does that prevent us from perpetuating a hierarchal system and conquering and dividing our own people? it seems to me that we get lost in these definitions and our own ideological warfare while perpetuating similar imperial tactics. there's seems to be a void to addressing the politics of our identity as they are shaped, controlled, and impacted by the empire. no organization is capable of addressing the complications of our intersectional lives and struggles, rather they fragmentalized and pinned against each other. it's a shame quite honestly.

i wonder how we can struggle together against the system that we are all trying to dismantle in one aspect or the other. then again, if there was no struggle what would people fight for?

so stressed

have you ever been so stressed that you just don't know where to start?

i'm really kicking myself in the ass for not being further in this process than i should be. i keep making excuses saying that i'm working with the community, i'm focusing on family, i'm dealing with my emotions right now. i'm not trying to invalidate these reasons by calling them excuses but that's what they feel like right now. i guess i'm just in the pits because i'm still stuck in the same place i was in a year ago.

i admit i've learned so much. much more than i could learn in textbooks and intellectual conversations. i had a chance to just enjoy and learn from the outside world. i saw the light outside the classroom walls. i loved it and basked in it. sometimes i wish that i didn't go right into grad school. i wish i had taken that time off - which i think manifested itself into this year and half mental break from thesising.

i'm beyond it all. i just want it to be birthed out and acting like an adult.