things to consider.

***note: comments are graciously appreciated. i like feedback and input as i develop this project. maraming salamat!****


no experience is experienced in isolation. -how does this project connect with the general themes of race, class, gender, sexuality, and to an extent religion.

what is the pinay experience in contrast to the hegemonic society?

is there a difference between the maria clara and the virgin complex?

why is it important to compare the virgin/whore identity constructed within each racial/ethnic community?

how is gender used as a general tool to claim power?

what do i mean by power? - self-determination, a right to claim one's self independent of other's expectations or at least some progression towards independence

is the progression of this society dependent on the oppression of women through a patriarchal structure and the submission to the virgin/whore complex?

suzy wong/dragon lady, black widows, please add more if you have any.

one of the many beginnings. . . .

from an old blog. . . still holds truth

sunday, november 05, 2006

Emotion:
Random Thought: entries that i miss.
What:

Monday, November 07, 2005

Emotion:
Random Thought: to continue my thoughts.
What:silence.all except for the typing i am doing.

question to ponder at this moment: none at this moment unfortunately.

i suppose the purpose of this entry is to continue describing my experience at the GABNET conference. As closure, all participants at the conference marched from UCLA to the federal building, protesting the VFA forces in the Philippines, the war, GMA needing to be ousted, and the rape of the Filipina. As we marched down the streets empowered with our posters and voices, chills ran down my spine. my voice grew louder and louder with every block we passed. onlookers stood there confused as to what our purpose was. i'm sure they were asking what VFA was or perhaps they were just thinking that it was a stupid cause for a traffic. When we arrived at the federal building we were suprised to see another protest in progress. Israeli and Mexican communities had collectively protested against the Iraq war and the many injustices that are occuring. Another site of empowerment. at the same time however i wished that our efforts were as collective as theirs, better yet as big, but at the same time conjoint with theirs. i wish our problems had transcended from our voices and into their hearts and out of their mouths. i wished that they understood at least were aware of the issues that we, Filipinas faced and still face. Viva viva Palestina, viva viva Pilipinas! we screamed. but it didn't seem like it was enough to convey to them that we stood there in solidarity. i wanted to cross the street to join in protest with them. we both agreed that the war is an unjust war, an atrocity and a waste of our money and efforts. i symphatized with them and emphathized their efforts. but i couldn't show them that.
all i could do was honk my horn as we passed the street again. . on the way home to the reality of san diego.

i have met some very strong women through this conference. unaware of their life stories, but all i knew was that we were sisters, brothers, and allies standing in solidarity to fight the cause, fight the good fight of ensuring justice and equality and recognition of all women especially Pilipinas. I loved that GabNet masked our true identities. we were able to come together and share our stories without exposing our masks. i was able to have a conversation evelina galang, the author of my favorite book, "Her wild american self" as if we were just sisters. there were no roads to block us from sharing a humane connection. no titles in the way of conversations. it was great. we came as concerned women seeking justice. we left as concerned women seeking justice in our daily lives for the lives of other women, children, communities. we, or i, left empowered but dawned upon with the reality of life.

posted by trish @ 12:31 PM

Emotion:defeated.
Random Thought:makibaka! huwag matakot!
What:the rumbling of the computer.

i needed a safe place to go so i'm sitting here in alexis' office letting my thoughts run free. what am i currently thinking about? what have i been thinking about? going to gabnet this weekend has reminded me of the many injustices that are occuring every minute of our lives and how easily it is for us to tune out this white noise with music, television, friends, homework. how easy it is for us with privilege to close the door on a crying nation, how easy it is for us to avoid the topic when it comes into conversation. well damnit, i want to talk to about it.

i've come to the conclusion that i am moved by my emotions. i am drawn to injustices and pushed forward to make sure justice is served by my personal attachment. i want to see a world of equality, equal pursuit of happiness and liberty. reality is however that that type of world doesn't exist. . . yet.

i'm on my way to school thinking about all the lessons that have been taught and retaught to me at this conference. i am reminded of how (lost this thought, my mom called me asking what scent of deoderant i preferred. . . i chose sunset breeze by lady speedstick) so let's retract, i'm on my way to school thinking about life, thinking about the children who are forced to become soldiers motivated by fear and witnesses to murders. i am reminded of the 22 year old filipina who was raped by 6 u.s. marines at subic bay thrown like a pig after they have their take of her. i am reminded of the many homeless shelters that are products of capitalism and forgotten communities. i sit there and remember. i listen to kiwi in hopes of inspiration. my body tingles at the sound of something like "bring the system down, bring it down now. . mabu mabu mabuuuu. . hay hay hay" i get chills when kiwi tells us that people are marching for justice. i sit there and am reminded.

i think how angry i am with people who can just sit there and not be motivated by the injustices that are occurring within the very world that they live on. one world, one people. what ever happened to those thoughts? to those words that we were taught to live by. when did we become a selfish planet? i think about the conversation i had with my mom this morning. the first true conversation that gave her a glimpse into my soul. into my thoughts and perspectives about the history and presence of her country, the philippines that one i now call home. i hear her tell me that the U.S. military should stay in the Philippines. It won't survive without them. I tell her it's a sick and twisted dependency and form of exploitation where women such as the 22 year old Filipina from Subic Bay are subject to rapes and forced into slavery. i tell her about the "little brown fucking machines" and the mail order brides how they are products of militarization and imperialism by the United States. and she understands me. but again i sat in my car thinking. . is this just displaced anger? do we filipino-americans feel so angry at the united states that we protest their imperialistic wizardy over the philippines? have we just targeted the united states as the main culprit of the semi-feudal semi-colonial philippines? i don't know. but now when i think of it and the words shared by women of the philippines congresswoman Liza, secretary general of GabNet who tell us otherwise, validating our angst towards the visiting forces agreement that allow such atrocities to occur in a third world nation once an economic power, i feel angry for the right reasons.

and for you to sit there who are reading this to not feel motivated by these numerous accounts of exploitation and injustice towards our very own people upsets me. but i understand. . . a different world, a different place. not everyone is on the same page. i just wish it was. . or we that we could turn the page together.

posted by trish @ 9:35 PM

virgin/whores, maria claras/prostitutes, we've all got that complex

so now it's time to make a comparative analysis across genders through racial lines. recently read something about mormons christianizing khmer girls and teaching them abstinence in order to prevent teen pregnancies. through this practice, they also created a gendered structure that defines a woman's behavior according to the "will of God." i don't know if it's too presumptuous to make that connection, but christian religion seems to do just that - define our gendered roles and expectations. it's responsible for telling us stories about virgin mary and mary magdalene. two very contrasting images of women but very telling of today's society.

catholicism was used as a tool to colonize the people of the philippines. it was used as a way to divide the society based on gender and class, giving the upper hand to elite males. through the spaniards' development of the educational system in the philippines, women and men received different types of education. . . women were domesticated and taught to adhere to the virgin mary image (despite friars' numerous claims to immaculate conception when a filipina they had sex with was impregnated or even the underground abortion clinics).

is it through religion that this virgin/whore, maria clara/prostitute complex is constructed and embedded into our society?

we all got this complex.

been a long minute.

so it's 22 days of a new year. things are changing left and right with tiny steps towards progression. it also has a ringing affect of the necessary education i need, that we all need, for this year.

i've narrowed my project to answer the following question: how do second generation pinays reclaim power that was denied to us through gender as a result of our cultural identity and upbringing? again referring to espiritu's claim that gender is the way in which the filipino community (intentional in using filipino to acknowledge the existing patriarchy) reclaims power that was denied to them through race.

i find it difficult to address issues of gender because it tends to be one sided. it seems that there is an assumption that when we are talking about gender issues it's mainly about women, but don't have we have 2 genders? (again, not going into the construction and multiple genders) i have really struggled with addressing and acknowledging the intersectionality that goes into my understanding of gender, even in practice. i think of womyn identified spaces and agree that they are as much necessary as spaces for people of color. maybe this is my third world feminism, my womanism speaking, but it's hard for me to have a discussion about womyn empowerment w/o including a discussion about men, patriarchy but also acknowledging the effects of patriarchy that has constructed our gendered behavior. additionally, recognizing the impact of race plus gender and how that all plays out. needless to say, i have found myself battling this drive to discuss pinay issues for the sake of only bringing pinay stories. not to say that i'm leaving it behind, but i'm also much more cognizant of gender as an inclusive term.

as far my thesis, again HOW DO 2ND GEN PINAYS RECLAIM POWER THAT WAS DENIED TO THEM THROUGH GENDER? using the maria clara as the symbol and identity of the virtuous pinay, also colonized, baptized, complacent, "a way a woman should be," i hope to deconstruct this image and as crude as it may sound lift up the dress and see what's really going on. again i'm plagued by the high suicide ideation rates of filipinas, the suppression of sexuality, the patriarchal system, and the virgin mary.

this also leads into the discussion of what this power looks like for pinays. is it through our sexuality, when are able to feel comfortable in "our" skin that we have reclaimed this power? reminds me of the time that i was in the vagina monologues. i was conflicted with the role that i was asked to play, the woman who loved to make vaginas happy. as sexually liberating and empowering it was to do that monologue, i wondered about what message this was sending to those who aren't aware of my politics and what it means to be a 3rd world woman of color playing this dominatrix, sextress role. i understand that we need to reclaim ourselves as empowered individuals to empower a community, but should an explanation accompany all our actions?

i felt the need to explain and reconcile this message that i would be sending as an asian woman who by virtue of image is viewed as a submissive, hypersexual female object. then again, it was so damn liberating to put myself out there and to really own my sexuality and sexual behavior. is that not a privilege though? i am so conflicted with attempting to understand the relationship between gender and sexuality as complicated by ethnic/racial identity.

ideas?

Sister LIBERATION

Sister LIBERATION

I attempt to write the words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listen
Because it is then that we will see the extent to which we can free a nation
Of guilt, deceit, lies and dishonesty, shackled to you and me
It is then we will see the lights at the ends of these tunnels
Of underground railroads leading to where we began
It is then we will inhale the life we were meant to exhale only to see the senses of a reality censored by reality series, making us believe that this is what we are meant to be
Come towards the box and change the channel
Cuz im about to tell you something that I can’t even handle

I saw her walking the streets and I knew it then
She had carried a necklace of sweet scents merely for ten
Pesos instead I wanted to give her besos and let her know that I saw it too
I saw the words come from her lips as she called me ate
I look into her brown eyes that said she knew me, that we hadn’t forgotten
About the times we shared staring at the bright sun wishing for the world to blanket us with yellow shine
About the times we shared holding onto each other souls when he said “they’re not mine” as he threw us into the streets,
it was only a matter of time
Til we saw each other again
in this Manila night of a family reunion
Though my mom didn’t embrace her i knew it then she was my sister at nearly ten

I attempt to write these words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listen

I walked through the streets of palengke isles
Saw her fingers weave the roads where we crossed paths as a child
Though Seas a part, our souls intertwined
as she catches the rod to realign truth and weave memories
Fines lines defined her traced lips Her hair a tint of gray shine,
Falls into the loom telling stories of our lives continuously redefined
As corporations commodify our ancestry and sell her tapestries to walmart industries
Glimpses of her life unfold like the blanket she’s wrapping around me, saying 1050
I sip the nestle water I bought, I realize she’s a product in this industry
Though I didn’t see, this my sister calling out to me.

I attempt to write the words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listen

I heard her words drops like the tears from her eyes
When she told me that she didn’t want to this type of life
Her anger, frustration bottled for later in case she needed to fight
Against the man who beat her
His fists raised to the sky, strikes to deny her existence
She no longer has the strength to show him resistance
Instead she gave in to his arms and accepts these pages of her story
While he continue to reign in his false glory attempting to keep her soul refrained, contained, and unnamed
I see her eyes through the cages of his grips, she calls out to me and tells me
That this is you and you are me.
This is you and you are me.

I attempt to write the words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listen

I walked with us as we stormed the streets of rotten milk and honey
Screaming and demanding liberty
From a nation that makes profit from our souls as industry
To ship to other countries and reinvent their identity
Packaged in little boxes scented with its brand US colonizing ideology
Hiding the 3rd world hands that left finger prints to create this hot new commodity
And we consume it as if it’s something new and fashionable like the new pair of kicks I wear in this street
But I’m still screaming and demanding our liberty
Because I remember I am my sister liberation.

I wrote these write the words that will promise you a liberation
That will teach you the ways of freedom
Only if you promise to listened
Not until you hold mirror of truth to your face do you realize that
the path needed to embrace on the road to sister liberation

modern day gabriela silang

messing around with all these new blogging widgets, must admit that i'm hesitant to put particular songs on the list because of its affiliation.  then again, fuck it right? music is music and how many songs are there that really address the militancy, empowered pinay sistas?  

two nights ago, i stood on stage. after having negotiated multiple contradictions, i hope that the message i delivered hit at least one heart and one soul.  

mental stimulation if you please. . . 

plus. . .



plus. . . the finale for the night. . . a booty shake contest

is the solution to. . .




and this. . .



(exhale)

why keep adding to the problem?

(singing) 

dahil sa yo nais kung mabuhay

dahil sa yo hangang mamatay

dapat mo tantuin wala ng ibang giliw

puso ko'y tantungin, ikaw at ikaw rin

were the words she used to sing to me as she gently combed back my hair 

and whispered in my ear, 'anak, dahil sa yo, it is because you. . . '

that i soared through the air like a bird searching for malakas at maganda

to dig my feet into the soil of milk and honey to plant new roots

cultivating new life with branches reaching overseas like overpacked balikbayan boxes

leaving behind the scent of sweat from kasingkil dancers, mixed with burning garbage and exhaust from traffic jams of bodies and jeepneys

these memories i stir in with every drop of adobo cooked over the stove and beneath my eyes

hoping that each bite will let you see through my eyes and taste a never-ending love that ocans can never separate from hearts of a community from one

and she continued. . . 

(singing) 

dahil sa yo ako'y lumigaya

pagmamahal ay alayan ka

kung tunay man ako

ay alipinin mo

ang lahat sa buhay ko

dahil sa yo

i laid there with my buried in her lap dreaming of running in the fields of mangoes and Dole's pineapples chasing after cousins like uncles chasing after pigs to celebrate our arrival

drifting away on notes like stars following rainbows and cotton kandi clouds to skies of bathala na

words that came from their lips in 1986 and 2001 when they decided it was because of yoyu that they would walk through the congestion of streets and malacanang's tower of lies and deceit

demanding justice MAKIBAKA, equality HUWAG, and liberty MATAKOT from strings that keep their lives attached to puppetry of red, white, and blue

all the meanwhile our thoughts were simply because of you

they carved a world like mandirigmas made of acacia wood teaching us the ways of the struggle, a roadmap to our hearts, with our bolos in hand just in case they strike

they wore tsinelas to shield away the striking blows from police as they stood united to let nuns place flowers in tanks as signs of never ending people power

as some where shipped away, visas stamped, and life placed in boxes to become political exiles

struggling to maintain memories and share stories to let you know that it is because of you that things can change

dahil sa yo nais kong mabuhay

dahil sa yo hangang mamatay

are the reasons why our lives though across oceans never divide the hearts' desire to give back to our mothers' and fathers' land

that we are always listening to the songs of our country knowing that they are really love songs dedicated to the Philippines

but sometimes we gotta move forward, can't sit around singing lyrics waiting on the world to change

or wearing stickers that say we simply voted for change

but we gotta do the thing necessary to make the change to let the world know that it because of you

that WE WANNA GO BEYOND shirting poverty like building houses with hollow foundations that shatter, t shirts that wear out and tatter, or serving our sistas on a platter, cuz we ALL still gotta get down with the heart of the matter

it's only a matter of time til we see the numbers rise of our people's lives dying for change even though they bear stamps as Philippines' number one export

sending remittances to sustain a government that waits to exploit more young bodies sending them to over 90 international countries

no protection from a government not even birth control

and somehow we're convinced that change will take shape as one man

forgetting about the SISTAS who shaped Makiling's mountains to bring us to a higher stage

where we need messages of love wrapped around colt 45s of knowledge and change

to put folks in positions of power and corruption in shackles of shame

so i sing these words to you as i gently comb back your hair reminding  you that it is because of you that we know what it means to be in love with the struggle

(singing)

dahil sa yo.