i did a bad thing.

i peeked. i shouldn't have, but the trance of being drawn into someone's drama is too enticing - especially when my name is somehow thrown into the mix. i seem to find myself at the crossroads of many relationships may it be community or personal. these insecurities plague my character. i'm racing to catch onto the skirts of my dignity, which is probably why i'm literally running again.

i'm in the place where i want to be strong - spiritually, mentally, and physically. i want to stand grounded on my foundation. i enjoy it when my feet are rooted on the earth's floor. i feel powerful and whole.

this journey is returning to its spiritual center.

namaste.

like a thief in the night

MAY 2, 2009


depression settles in as each day and night passes by. i begin to allow myself to feel, to acknowledge, and talk about it. it's been 2 and half months since my life drastically changed. i am now just beginning to mourn and let the emotions pour out. i struggled to suffer in silence, but i just can't do it anymore. it's time to empower myself to confront this problem.

i am bothered by the realities of this invisible force separating the communities, pulling our lives a part and forcing people to choose between their better selves. yesterday during the may day march celebrating international worker's day, i yearned to hear a woman's voice on the microphone talk about the silent realities that women face in the workforce, in this imperialistic machine that relies on their labor and bodies. i yearned to see them stand and be present, but i was torn.

i had come to realize that i was suffering a deep depression after being deauthorized. all this time spent trying to appear bold and apathetic was just a lie to protect them to keep me silent. i continuously and still to this day try to rationalize the logic, the ideology, the reality, the pain. i listen, i question, i reflect, i do everything but speak up. and if i do, it's only to a few hearts and minds that are willing to listen.

as of now, i am overwhelmed by the task ahead of me - to write my story.

although the story took place prior to this, this is the the moment when i realized the importance of speaking up and taking action. plus, this is the most vivid memory that i can remember.

at 17, i had fallen into a relationship with someone with faults that i continuously forgave. i found myself in a love square and because i reluctantly gave my virginity i felt bound to this relationship. (so many times, we give what we think the other wants to have them stay even at the cost of our own dignity) physically, emotionally, spiritually, and verbally abused - i began to fight back. i hit him each time he struck me. i fought back with just as much force.

it started with an argument and a sarcastic suggestion. he took and began to call the girl from my high school who i didn't have a good relationship with. he began to sneak around and sleep with her.

no more politricking.

i'm tired of all this politricking and shit-campaigning. i just want to organize. yea, i understand there are politics behind the organizing and folks need to fall in a particular line to organize - but what about when you just wanna organize from the heart line?

for about a year, i kept silent about the issue. like a victim, i accepted it and wanted to protect them, but i wonder how does one determine which woman or person is worthy of being "saved?" how does that prevent us from perpetuating a hierarchal system and conquering and dividing our own people? it seems to me that we get lost in these definitions and our own ideological warfare while perpetuating similar imperial tactics. there's seems to be a void to addressing the politics of our identity as they are shaped, controlled, and impacted by the empire. no organization is capable of addressing the complications of our intersectional lives and struggles, rather they fragmentalized and pinned against each other. it's a shame quite honestly.

i wonder how we can struggle together against the system that we are all trying to dismantle in one aspect or the other. then again, if there was no struggle what would people fight for?

so stressed

have you ever been so stressed that you just don't know where to start?

i'm really kicking myself in the ass for not being further in this process than i should be. i keep making excuses saying that i'm working with the community, i'm focusing on family, i'm dealing with my emotions right now. i'm not trying to invalidate these reasons by calling them excuses but that's what they feel like right now. i guess i'm just in the pits because i'm still stuck in the same place i was in a year ago.

i admit i've learned so much. much more than i could learn in textbooks and intellectual conversations. i had a chance to just enjoy and learn from the outside world. i saw the light outside the classroom walls. i loved it and basked in it. sometimes i wish that i didn't go right into grad school. i wish i had taken that time off - which i think manifested itself into this year and half mental break from thesising.

i'm beyond it all. i just want it to be birthed out and acting like an adult.

checking in

it's more than a minute since i've taken the time to write something here.

just a quick recap of what's happened within the past month:

philippines - family, lola's blessing, father's eyes
new york - nightingales,best friend's wedding, independence
womyn of color: writings on the wall -
immortal technique, chino xl, red cloud, cf, kahlee - inspired
oli bata - sax on loan
preparing for aptos

i guess those couple of years of stagnancy finally caught up to me and i've been international, national, and state within one month. blessings. many blessings.

philippines: to organize a woman, you must organize her family.

i learned and accepted the many lessons and realities of my family. sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the struggle within our community that we forget how it impacts our most basic unit: family. in a sense, college is a time when we learn a sense of "independence" or at least strive for one cuz we know a lot of us are still living at home - had no choice or still dependent on our fams. we begin to extend our notion of family to include our close kasamas and community. when that time is over - may it be break or graduation - we have to find ways to reconnect with our families again. i was so blinded by all this organizing that i didn't even see how my family is going through the same issues we are fighting for.

you know what i mean? cuz there's this disconnect that happens when we are scolded and discouraged by our parents for doing "communist," "activist," "leftist" work, when really we're doing it just to get by. in many ways, my reason for becoming active and working towards social justice was a reaction to my immediate family. it was a reaction to everything that i had seen, felt, heard, said, learned, and believed. . . as well as accepted. since i felt like i couldn't control or solve the issues within my family, i wanted to solve the world. i wanted to fix the situations around us that created these realities. i also needed to find my voice and breathe.

so the philippines was pure and exciting. never in my life had i felt so many blessings and so much love like that. i am left with the image of my lola slowly extending her hand to touch my head. her lips quivering, tears being kept in, as she chants blessings for my soul. my mom and her older sister join my lola as i sit on the porch on a wooden dark brown chair hearing the silence of the night - all except for my lola's words which touch my soul.

amazing.

pondering.

it's been quite the journey with challenges and learning how to just let go. a week has passed by and i've finally adjusted to be in the philippines. i think the biggest struggle was learning how to be a part of my family again. it's been a while since we've spent this much time together with such limited amount of personal space.

i'm currently pondering whether or not to return on the 7th or the 12th. it'll come to me, but i'm just not sure. i think a bit of homesickness has gotten to me that i'm longing to go home. at the same time, there's still so much for me to learn here and so much that i NEED to learn.

many blessings, at least i can say that.

happy international women's day!

we're still holding up half the sky.