(singing) 

dahil sa yo nais kung mabuhay

dahil sa yo hangang mamatay

dapat mo tantuin wala ng ibang giliw

puso ko'y tantungin, ikaw at ikaw rin

were the words she used to sing to me as she gently combed back my hair 

and whispered in my ear, 'anak, dahil sa yo, it is because you. . . '

that i soared through the air like a bird searching for malakas at maganda

to dig my feet into the soil of milk and honey to plant new roots

cultivating new life with branches reaching overseas like overpacked balikbayan boxes

leaving behind the scent of sweat from kasingkil dancers, mixed with burning garbage and exhaust from traffic jams of bodies and jeepneys

these memories i stir in with every drop of adobo cooked over the stove and beneath my eyes

hoping that each bite will let you see through my eyes and taste a never-ending love that ocans can never separate from hearts of a community from one

and she continued. . . 

(singing) 

dahil sa yo ako'y lumigaya

pagmamahal ay alayan ka

kung tunay man ako

ay alipinin mo

ang lahat sa buhay ko

dahil sa yo

i laid there with my buried in her lap dreaming of running in the fields of mangoes and Dole's pineapples chasing after cousins like uncles chasing after pigs to celebrate our arrival

drifting away on notes like stars following rainbows and cotton kandi clouds to skies of bathala na

words that came from their lips in 1986 and 2001 when they decided it was because of yoyu that they would walk through the congestion of streets and malacanang's tower of lies and deceit

demanding justice MAKIBAKA, equality HUWAG, and liberty MATAKOT from strings that keep their lives attached to puppetry of red, white, and blue

all the meanwhile our thoughts were simply because of you

they carved a world like mandirigmas made of acacia wood teaching us the ways of the struggle, a roadmap to our hearts, with our bolos in hand just in case they strike

they wore tsinelas to shield away the striking blows from police as they stood united to let nuns place flowers in tanks as signs of never ending people power

as some where shipped away, visas stamped, and life placed in boxes to become political exiles

struggling to maintain memories and share stories to let you know that it is because of you that things can change

dahil sa yo nais kong mabuhay

dahil sa yo hangang mamatay

are the reasons why our lives though across oceans never divide the hearts' desire to give back to our mothers' and fathers' land

that we are always listening to the songs of our country knowing that they are really love songs dedicated to the Philippines

but sometimes we gotta move forward, can't sit around singing lyrics waiting on the world to change

or wearing stickers that say we simply voted for change

but we gotta do the thing necessary to make the change to let the world know that it because of you

that WE WANNA GO BEYOND shirting poverty like building houses with hollow foundations that shatter, t shirts that wear out and tatter, or serving our sistas on a platter, cuz we ALL still gotta get down with the heart of the matter

it's only a matter of time til we see the numbers rise of our people's lives dying for change even though they bear stamps as Philippines' number one export

sending remittances to sustain a government that waits to exploit more young bodies sending them to over 90 international countries

no protection from a government not even birth control

and somehow we're convinced that change will take shape as one man

forgetting about the SISTAS who shaped Makiling's mountains to bring us to a higher stage

where we need messages of love wrapped around colt 45s of knowledge and change

to put folks in positions of power and corruption in shackles of shame

so i sing these words to you as i gently comb back your hair reminding  you that it is because of you that we know what it means to be in love with the struggle

(singing)

dahil sa yo.

ideas.

they keep coming and i'm trying to find ways to fuse them together within an academic space. I realize that in the struggle for academic recognition i gave up part of myself to assimilate into an ivory tower of perpetual excellence.  we tend to sacrifice ourselves in so many ways just to reach for upward mobility, but what about when we decide to just stop?  is that not a form of liberation?  

so i'm sitting here re-thinking about the thesis.  

recently, i met a pinay at sdsu who is also writing about filipina transnational activism.  gah, i remember the beginning stages of my thesis and where it has lead me now.  i'm afraid that it's lost that transnational activism/feminist spin and is now focused on identity.  

i have been intentional in trying to steer away from identity development because that seems to be the regurgitated message of most pin@y scholars.  i get it, we have identity issues.  we're confused and torn between american and filipin@.  isn't it time though that we accept this as a newly constructed identity and stop reverting back to this essential idea of pre-colonial, indigenous identity? we run the risk of idolizing and imagining a society that has now transformed and continually transforms itself.  i understand the need to go back to one's roots, but we also run the risk of imagining and keeping the Philippines and Filipin@s in a place that lacks recognition of our progression.  of course the progression comes with contradiction. 

. . . 

it's hard to concentrate right now cuz i'm HELLA nervous about tomorrow's show. it didn't sink in until today as far as what kind of line-up i'm a part of.  never really expected to be in this position, poetry was just a hobby, performing was just for fun.  

now this shit is just scary. 

questions

how do 2nd generation pinays claim or reclaim power that was denied to them culturally through gender? 

are student organizations a way for pinays to re-invent and/or assert their gender identity that was hidden "beneath the maria claras"? 

how do 2nd generation pinays negotiate their intersectional identities within college, community, and family? 

what are pinays' views of the maria clara? 

what is the 2nd generation college student/activist pinay experience?

how does gender affect the pin@y community? 

is sexuality a way for pinays to reclaim power that was denied to them through gender? 

      but isn't this a contradictory to the cultural control over their bodies and virginity? 

      are we either promiscuous, "sexually constipated," or lgbtq? 

within the student organizations, are 2nd gen pinays cognizant of their gendered role? 

do they organize through a gendered lens? 

is gender addressed within the student organization? 

how often do they think about their gender in college, family, and community spaces? 

how does the gendering of  2nd gen pinoys affect the gendering of 2nd gen pinays? 

assuming that the pinay is active within the filam community, what contributes to her perseverance and determination in the community?  

do 2nd gen pinays challenge patriarchy and imperialism within the re-construction of their identity? 

is college the political womb? 

day something in organizer's rehab

it's day something of my organizer's rehab and i admit that i'm rebounding.  

still developing this

from wowowee, to mail order brides, to modern day slavery, to the women on deal, no deal. . it seems like women are nothing but accessories in this partiarchal society meant to keep the men's eyes entertained.  i wonder what the filipin@s who went to go to watch wowowee yesterday in san diego would think if their daughters were the ones who dancing around in a suggestive manner? but it's all out of fun and entertainment right?  that's why nicole "deserved" what happened to her along with the woman in okinawa.  

it seems to me that both men and woman are policing women's bodies and deciding on what's an appropriate and inappropriate display.  but then i get stuck when we throw in sexuality?  how do we own our sexuality and gender at the same time? 

more questions.

the more i embark on this journey to intellectual freedom, the more questions i have about reality.  one pervasive question is: how do filipinas reclaim power that was denied to them through gender oppression? if 1st generation filipin@s use the morality and virtuousity of their filipina daughters as a way to uplift the community, what effect does this have on the pinays?  are we constricted to these maria claras, the colonial image of a pinay as clothed by the spanish?  

i'm coming from a place where i see the world divided according to genitalia as the most basic form of gender segregation and we know the world would turn upside down if we complicated this even further to include gender expressions and identities and non-heteronormative behavior. anyway, as i was saying it seems to me that it is so much easier to organize a community based on racial/ethnic solidarity and to some degree a class level.  that is a space where both genders are collectively involved. yet when it comes it gender oppression, it tends to be very one-sided. . . a focus on woman's issues.  but does gender not oppress men as well?  is patriarchy not an oppressive structure for both filipinos and filipinas?  

i am trying to understand how as a community we are able to empower ourselves in each aspect of social justice through a collective process.  i am trying to understand how are planning on moving forward while recognizing that we live in a post colonial, imperialist world.  

there are so many pinays in positions of leadership in our filipin@ american student organizations.  college as a place where most of us become politically born and conscious also encourages our participation in these student organizations.  while the focus is on the community, i wonder how pinays address or understand the gender dynamic that takes place in these spaces.  at the same time understanding that these gender dynamics stem from a colonial, imperial, and patriarchal system that makes us interchangeable and complacent in the system. 

so. . .

i haven't made much progress on my thesis.  i realize the momentum is there after meeting with committee members, but then it fades away after a couple of days or so.  i don't think i have the discipline to get through this.  it's not as uniform and structured as taking classes.  

so what's on my plate:

KAMP: one more month to go and we still need to finalize our last lesson plan, last class is Dec 19

GABNet: i'm still around. as much as this is has been a personal struggle, i'm still around.  we have two high school conferences  and hopefully things will slow down. 

Townhall: meeting with the folks from Backroom Podcast to review the plan of action 

School: still have two assignments from last semester to complete

Thesis: JUST GET THAT SHIT DONE!

ASI: need to coordinate facilitators for the social justice retreat 

That's where i'm at right now.