the end of a long relationship

Dear Chair, Please put this in my file as well. I know my lack of communication and deep seated pattern is inexcusable. I apologize and own up to my inappropriate behavior. The reason why I struggle with writing my thesis is because I'm struggling with the emotional abuse that I endured this past year as a part of the very issue that I am writing about. On February 14, 2009, I was deauthorized from the organization that shaped my interest in writing about the experiences of 2nd generation Filipina American activists. After having built my identity to a social justice advocate and activist at that time, my emotional, physical, and intellectual investment in this organization was stripped away from me causing me to rethink my relationship to the movement and to my own partner. Paranoia, anxiety, fear came as a result of this experience silencing my voice. I no longer felt safe knowing that people were constantly reporting my every action, email, online post because i was a questionable suspect, potential trader. Please also include the fact that in May 2009, I hit an all time bottom low. After three days of crying, cringing in fetal position, screaming, and contemplating suicide I realized I was mourning the loss of my voice and drive to even continue pushing forward. During that time I realized and relived the abuse that I've experienced from the age of 16 to that day. I was shocked to realize that the one organization that was aimed to empower me and address patriarchal, imperialist abuses was abusing me. They equated my current relationship to a relationship with an abuser without even understanding that prior to meeting him I WAS just in an abusive relationship. This relationship and this organization were the two things that were sustaining my drive to continue moving forward in life. Yet, when they were pitted against each other I was torn. I did not know who I could trust and what activism, sisterhood,revolution, and love were really about. I understand you want me to move forward, but this is still something I am going through still, right now. This past weekend, I hit another all time low trying to confront my thesis topic and emotions and intellect attached to this situation. I am trying, trust me I am trying. The pain is too much to bear. Sometimes avoidance helps me gain sanity and the will to continue living. Maybe to you, it's not too serious but this is what my life was about for the past 8 years. Joining GabNet was a defining moment in my activist career. I was hoping to expand my work to the international field through this organization. I was looking forward to the educational discussions and conscious raising activities that would help shape my understanding of anti-imperialist transnational social justice feminist frameworks. Now at this moment, I feel like I'm starting anew and no longer have an acute understanding of this topic or myself, but I am slowly confronting myself and situation. I am slowly finding the will to continue writing this story and finding my voice again.

today's gonna be a good day.

trialzz, v saints.

i'm so tempted to switch over to tumblr for it's coolness. i've been a blogspot user since 2002 (malaya.blogspot.com)

not much to really say. life is good.

block party - jean grae

[Verse One]

Listen

I don't wanna preach or come off bitter, this is a commentary auditory

Editorial, about the state of things, state of mind and state of being

What the fuck is goin on?How the fuck we gonna make it out?

It's hectic, from asbestos filled classrooms

to the stench of death that's still in New York

The air is thick with it, but it reaches further

Like the world murder rate

Circulate, cultivate your mind and soul, your heart and your body

So stagnant; niggaz, get off your block and travel

Stop actin like your flesh is metal and your hood's a magnet

We need to globalize, further spread on this earth

to appreciate the full value of individual worth

To realize how ridiculous the thought of ownership is

and protectin your turf - that's bullshit man

That's how we got colonized

Missionaries create foreign schools and change the native way & thinkin

So in ten years, we can have a foreign Columbine

in some small village in the Amazon, c'mon man



[Chorus]

You need to get out your house, get off your block, and see somethin

Go do somethin, go CHANGE somethin, or else we fall for nothin

You need to, travel the world

And when you come back, tell your girl and your girl and your girl..

and your man and your man and your man.. you understand?

So spread the word



[Verse Two]

It's every man for himself

That's why the black community is lackin in wealth, there's no unity

We soon to be chillin with rich white folk

and that means that we made it

Let our kids go hungry before our wardrobe is outdated

Rap careers are drug related, ballplayers, we need more lawyers

More housin and job created, why we waitin for it to be given?

We need to get up, and get out, and make our own livin

Instead of just makin more, inner-city children

More doctors in your building, righteous cops next door

If the system's corrupt, then change it

Fought for the right to vote, don't even use it

Forget electoral winnin

The way the world's goin, we in the ninth inning

Heh, and we still aren't up to bat

Niggaz is happy just to have the rights to sit on the bench

Like floor seats is alright, and that's as far as we reach

Materialistic values, not morals, that's what we teach

I see it in the youth, hungry for fame and money

Not for knowledge and pursuit of the truth

Pick up a book or a newspaper

Take a free class in politics or human behavior

We need to stop actin victimized, it's like we're day-walkin blind

Open your eyes, there's a whole world out there



[Chorus]



[Verse Three]

And you don't have to agree, or just be happy

Content and lose your hunger, push further

Cause I don't believe that pipe dreams exist

The world is what you make it, your life is all that you got

So take it to the limit

Why would you deny your spirit growth and happiness?

And if your peoples hold you back, they not your peoples at all

You know the, misery cliche

Ladies, know your worth; the way we givin it up

We might as well auction ourselves on eBay, to the lowest bidder

So what if his dough is better?Money doesn't make the man

Maybe self-sufficiency would better make you understand

Let's get it together

There's so much promise and it's just goin to waste

We turn crude, lack of class, lack of taste

And trust, they laughin at us

It's slow genocide

And I don't care how many bottles of Cristal you pop

It won't un-expose you as a known pedophile

Native child, runnin wild, to the ends of the earth

I'll see y'all at the last hundred miles, bet



[Chorus] - repeat 2X

continuation

without actions, love is just a w<3rd.

lately i've been trying to reconcile my relationship to religion and spirituality. growing up in a converted devout catholic household as an only child at that time, i had the privilege and expectation to attend church every sunday, hold rosary beads every time the virgin mary came to our house, participate in charismatic prayer meetings, and to pray for my forgiveness every night. my sisters moved out before my parents discovered god. i was spoon fed religious rhetoric whenever something was wrong. i had god's eyes watching my every move leading me to live a life of fear. for those who do not fear god aren't holy or something like that.

anyway, i welcomed it into my heart. i was wearing white singing in the choir, carrying my rosary and wearing other religious decorations like bracelets made tight enough that they never come off unless you crush your hand. it made life, life. even if i didn't agree with the homilies and heard revisions of the bible, it resonated with me. it fed me. i had a hard time reconciling man's interpretation versus a universal god. it was the thought and belief of something greater than humans that connected everything that made it appealing. i was the point that this was becoming my own personal journey. i wasn't going to church because my parents told me to, i was practicing the way my parents wanted me to. it was becoming my own understanding and calling. then i hit a wall. i had a hard time reconciling my religious beliefs while embracing new found appreciation for buddhism, babaylans, animism, christian practices, and a move towards progressive praxis. i couldn't reconcile my beliefs with the preachings of man and the actions of humanity.

i needed to step away for a while. i put my beliefs into practice with community organizing. a building does not make a church. i have learned so much about love, compassion, community, and interconnectedness. this is more powerful than simply listening to a homily. i am fulfilled in this space, but now i am confronting my need for spiritual grounding once again. i'm learning how to mesh everything that i have learned, everything i am, and everything that is this universe.

at first it would come and go, i would ignore it and hide behind pragmatics. it is always there. this time, i want to be that open vessel, much more than before. my heart is open, my mind will be clear, my soul will be pure.

namaste, praise be the lord, allah.

sup.

so i'm chillin here in oli's garage trying to gain inspiration again as kim and oli play the new version of an old song. i'm slowly meeting my voice again. she's stronger and much more beautiful than ever. after the many times where i've felt her leave, she comes back much stronger that i could ever imagine.

last year, around this time, she lept out of my soul as i screamed my way down the 805 pacing after an ex-boyfriend. pained and lost, each scream carved a deeper cave into my soul where my babaylan once lived. like extracting a tooth, i was overcome with sorrow and shame that i was loosing my wisdom. my mind was clouded with abandonment, fear, jealousy, and insecurity - the perfect recipe for self-destruction.

it's been about a year since that last time, she came back in pieces, slowly but surely. i found the strength in a women's organization. i had found a home to harness my babaylan, my energy, and my voice. i was confident that this space was setting a foundation, and it did. slowly, it began to chip away at what i thought was my path revealing my yellow brick road.

irony definitely has its way of creating a new comedic sitcom. criticizing the organization's lack of love and praxis, i was deauthorized because the love i had for my partner. valentine's day was the day that they would kick me out of the organization. ha. anticipating the end, i asked to speed up this suspense and instead left the organization during a valentine's day social just-us dance. ironic isn't it?

good morning.

sun is shining, birds are chirping, and i'm here blogging. it's my third day in a row, a true sign of progress.

i hope you enjoy the music as much as i do. these songs always rejuvenate and empower me to get through the day.

a lot of changes have been happening lately, neither good nor bad, just change. it's interesting how these changes coincide with meteor showers and eclipses.

anyway, there isn't much thought processing going on right now. it's 9:13 a.m., and i'm hungry.

Counting prayers like blessings

There are times when i can't help but feel VERY thankful for everything that has happened in the past couple of years. Through an abusive struggle, I am definitely on a better road. I am to see things much clearer and am standing firmly on my values and beliefs. Yesterday, I witnessed the power of organizing that comes from genuine compassion and love for the people. Although we are not necessarily organizing these people, we are at least being a catalyst for creating spaces for self-exploration and empowerment. As we know, we must start with ourselves to be present with the people.

As the organizations around me begin to experience extreme challenges, I am still amazed by people's resiliency and commitment. Sometimes we need to fall to rise up even stronger, like a phoenix from ashes. I cannot help but see and feel the power of the white dove.

things that offended me

during this process there were a number of things that offended me:

1. the comparison of my relationship with the "other" as an abusive relationship

2. someone who said "i'll walk out with you," who did, but followed up the walk-out by saying, "we just have to go somewhere."

3. the way people take things out of context

4. the way people were constantly checking up on me, my myspace posts, my facebook statuses, etc. and always making assumptions

5. the way that a leader knew that i was to be kicked out 6 months prior to being deauthorized and didn't tell me

6. asking for my resources right before i was to be kicked out

7. personal attacks and lies

8. asking me to sign an MOU and not keeping up their end of the bargain even if i had actually signed it

9. watching sisters empower sisters by denying their pain

10. being seen as a traitor

11. being told by a white woman who takes up a lot of space that i'm living a contradiction and that i need to address it since she said she's addressed hers w/o offering examples

12. being told that i'm not living a political life

morning.

the desire to write continually slips my mind. i am always enticed by the freedom and the beauty of expression, yet feel silenced, voice cut. for many reasons, it's been traumatizing to write. it's been a struggle trying to find a voice again after all the paranoia and anxiety surrounding it.

life is always a fun-filled, exciting rollercoaster. in the last few months, this ride has just had way too many dips making me nauseous. i'm mentally recovering from all the pain i experienced recently. can you imagine being asked to choose between love and militancy as guised through empowerment? i realize there are many ways we can twist the situation to make the outcome always positive, but it still doesn't negate the fact that there was mistrust and blinded judgments.

it is unfortunate to see how progressive communities, although progressive continue to divide communities. i realize we cannot serve all aspects of our complex lives in one organization, but there should always be room for dialogue and growth in the organization. it's contradictory to one's value system if they aim to empower communities by dictating their actions. at the same time, we cannot continue to live in a bubble. we need to bridge the gaps between praxis and communities. we cannot work in isolation otherwise the work is never recognized by others and it makes it difficult to build alliances. we are never alone in this struggle.

anyway, the day ahead is long full of errands and responsibilities i need to finish. it's been rough living the life of a broke college student. i get frustrated when i think about how old i am and how far i feel from stability. i know, i know. this is the price we pay to be in graduate school. it's difficult to function in a world outside academia. we sometimes have to cut ourselves out just to finish the paper creating more distance between us and communities we serve.

i'm in the midst of resumes, job fairs, seeking medical and dental insurance, and trying to finish my thesis. i struggle to maintain my obligation to the community and organizations. it's frustrating realizing the lack of services provided to the filam community after realizing the complexity of the issues such as high high school drop out rates, high pregnancy rates, high suicide ideation rates, high academic probation rates in college, high smoking rates, etc.

it's one of those nights

hella frustrated. so mind you, this blog is just gonna turn into a space where i can vent, write, process, cry, love, all that great stuff as i go through this journey of life and thesis.

so recently, i've been working within different spaces of the community. i realize now the importance of being able to work with various communities even in our filam community. the experiences are so diverse and important to work with to address the specific needs and issues.

but on the real tip, it just gets frustrating especially when working in a hierarchical structure. it's so apparent how disconnected folks are from the top to the bottom. these false assumptions and multiple directives get so confusing that the people that end up suffering are the ones in the middle and on the outskirts - communities we serve. it's just so depressing and frustrating seeing potential slip away. our community is so clouded with tsimis, pride, colonial mentality, and ego that we just keep nipping at each other. we're so blinded by the anger and greed we don't even see how people are hurting from our actions. at the same time, we don't even see how we feed into the problem. by not educating our communities about conquer & divide tactics, about ways to resolves issues as a community, we only perpetuate the colonizer's plan.

at this point, i do honestly wonder about the sake of our future. i have no doubt that we will continue to struggle through this as life is a struggle in itself. yet, we still need to be able to grow. we cannot continue to take 10 steps back from the years it took to get this far.

we must also remember that true revolution starts from within and the ability to recognize our connections. we ALWAYS must be mindful of the conditions in which people are living, dying, loving, and hurting. we can never expect folks to eat at the table when we haven't even invited them or helped them get there.

peace out of frustration.

i did a bad thing.

i peeked. i shouldn't have, but the trance of being drawn into someone's drama is too enticing - especially when my name is somehow thrown into the mix. i seem to find myself at the crossroads of many relationships may it be community or personal. these insecurities plague my character. i'm racing to catch onto the skirts of my dignity, which is probably why i'm literally running again.

i'm in the place where i want to be strong - spiritually, mentally, and physically. i want to stand grounded on my foundation. i enjoy it when my feet are rooted on the earth's floor. i feel powerful and whole.

this journey is returning to its spiritual center.

namaste.

like a thief in the night

MAY 2, 2009


depression settles in as each day and night passes by. i begin to allow myself to feel, to acknowledge, and talk about it. it's been 2 and half months since my life drastically changed. i am now just beginning to mourn and let the emotions pour out. i struggled to suffer in silence, but i just can't do it anymore. it's time to empower myself to confront this problem.

i am bothered by the realities of this invisible force separating the communities, pulling our lives a part and forcing people to choose between their better selves. yesterday during the may day march celebrating international worker's day, i yearned to hear a woman's voice on the microphone talk about the silent realities that women face in the workforce, in this imperialistic machine that relies on their labor and bodies. i yearned to see them stand and be present, but i was torn.

i had come to realize that i was suffering a deep depression after being deauthorized. all this time spent trying to appear bold and apathetic was just a lie to protect them to keep me silent. i continuously and still to this day try to rationalize the logic, the ideology, the reality, the pain. i listen, i question, i reflect, i do everything but speak up. and if i do, it's only to a few hearts and minds that are willing to listen.

as of now, i am overwhelmed by the task ahead of me - to write my story.

although the story took place prior to this, this is the the moment when i realized the importance of speaking up and taking action. plus, this is the most vivid memory that i can remember.

at 17, i had fallen into a relationship with someone with faults that i continuously forgave. i found myself in a love square and because i reluctantly gave my virginity i felt bound to this relationship. (so many times, we give what we think the other wants to have them stay even at the cost of our own dignity) physically, emotionally, spiritually, and verbally abused - i began to fight back. i hit him each time he struck me. i fought back with just as much force.

it started with an argument and a sarcastic suggestion. he took and began to call the girl from my high school who i didn't have a good relationship with. he began to sneak around and sleep with her.

no more politricking.

i'm tired of all this politricking and shit-campaigning. i just want to organize. yea, i understand there are politics behind the organizing and folks need to fall in a particular line to organize - but what about when you just wanna organize from the heart line?

for about a year, i kept silent about the issue. like a victim, i accepted it and wanted to protect them, but i wonder how does one determine which woman or person is worthy of being "saved?" how does that prevent us from perpetuating a hierarchal system and conquering and dividing our own people? it seems to me that we get lost in these definitions and our own ideological warfare while perpetuating similar imperial tactics. there's seems to be a void to addressing the politics of our identity as they are shaped, controlled, and impacted by the empire. no organization is capable of addressing the complications of our intersectional lives and struggles, rather they fragmentalized and pinned against each other. it's a shame quite honestly.

i wonder how we can struggle together against the system that we are all trying to dismantle in one aspect or the other. then again, if there was no struggle what would people fight for?

so stressed

have you ever been so stressed that you just don't know where to start?

i'm really kicking myself in the ass for not being further in this process than i should be. i keep making excuses saying that i'm working with the community, i'm focusing on family, i'm dealing with my emotions right now. i'm not trying to invalidate these reasons by calling them excuses but that's what they feel like right now. i guess i'm just in the pits because i'm still stuck in the same place i was in a year ago.

i admit i've learned so much. much more than i could learn in textbooks and intellectual conversations. i had a chance to just enjoy and learn from the outside world. i saw the light outside the classroom walls. i loved it and basked in it. sometimes i wish that i didn't go right into grad school. i wish i had taken that time off - which i think manifested itself into this year and half mental break from thesising.

i'm beyond it all. i just want it to be birthed out and acting like an adult.

checking in

it's more than a minute since i've taken the time to write something here.

just a quick recap of what's happened within the past month:

philippines - family, lola's blessing, father's eyes
new york - nightingales,best friend's wedding, independence
womyn of color: writings on the wall -
immortal technique, chino xl, red cloud, cf, kahlee - inspired
oli bata - sax on loan
preparing for aptos

i guess those couple of years of stagnancy finally caught up to me and i've been international, national, and state within one month. blessings. many blessings.

philippines: to organize a woman, you must organize her family.

i learned and accepted the many lessons and realities of my family. sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in the struggle within our community that we forget how it impacts our most basic unit: family. in a sense, college is a time when we learn a sense of "independence" or at least strive for one cuz we know a lot of us are still living at home - had no choice or still dependent on our fams. we begin to extend our notion of family to include our close kasamas and community. when that time is over - may it be break or graduation - we have to find ways to reconnect with our families again. i was so blinded by all this organizing that i didn't even see how my family is going through the same issues we are fighting for.

you know what i mean? cuz there's this disconnect that happens when we are scolded and discouraged by our parents for doing "communist," "activist," "leftist" work, when really we're doing it just to get by. in many ways, my reason for becoming active and working towards social justice was a reaction to my immediate family. it was a reaction to everything that i had seen, felt, heard, said, learned, and believed. . . as well as accepted. since i felt like i couldn't control or solve the issues within my family, i wanted to solve the world. i wanted to fix the situations around us that created these realities. i also needed to find my voice and breathe.

so the philippines was pure and exciting. never in my life had i felt so many blessings and so much love like that. i am left with the image of my lola slowly extending her hand to touch my head. her lips quivering, tears being kept in, as she chants blessings for my soul. my mom and her older sister join my lola as i sit on the porch on a wooden dark brown chair hearing the silence of the night - all except for my lola's words which touch my soul.

amazing.

pondering.

it's been quite the journey with challenges and learning how to just let go. a week has passed by and i've finally adjusted to be in the philippines. i think the biggest struggle was learning how to be a part of my family again. it's been a while since we've spent this much time together with such limited amount of personal space.

i'm currently pondering whether or not to return on the 7th or the 12th. it'll come to me, but i'm just not sure. i think a bit of homesickness has gotten to me that i'm longing to go home. at the same time, there's still so much for me to learn here and so much that i NEED to learn.

many blessings, at least i can say that.

happy international women's day!

we're still holding up half the sky.

HAPPY SATURDAY!!

6,005 piercings!

who knew. . .

that would politics get in the way of my advancement. particular power relations pushed me back a couple of steps where i will now have to officially complete these revisions. i thought it was just stuff that we read in our introductory courses about grad school. it looks like it's hits more closer to home.

i just gotta keep jumping over these hurdles.

assumptions.

okay, so got a little road block in my way. i haven't exactly been advanced to candidacy. there was some discrepancy with the program policies. so i'm back to writing these revisions that i've been stuck on for the last year. i know and believe that i am in a better place where i am capable of completing this project.

i started reading "feminism without borders," mohanty really challenges me into re-thinking my approach. we tend to victimize communities of color, gendered communities, and other marginalized individuals or communities, therefore taking away their agency and viewing them through an objective lens. i am wary about viewing and constructing of a view of filipinas as victims because we are not victims per say but are conditioned and impacted by social and historical realities such as colonization, patriarchy, and imperialism. when i say reclaim, i am suggesting that pinays construct and negotiate their social location within the structures of society. in a sense, we contribute to the growing communities of resistance because oppression is not experienced in isolation. i am not trying to essentialize the pinay experience but simply engage in transnational, third word feminism which acknowledges and create a dialogue around these shared experiences. my thesis is a humble attempt to understanding how pinays exercise and create their agency.

i am using pinayism as a starting point to examine and name the particular pinay experiences. there really isn't much difference between third world feminism and pinayism all except that pinayism is specific to the flipina experience. i am not suggesting that this is the only approach, but rather attempting to expand our understanding and connection to the broader idea of women issues.

feminism, with its western origins, didn't impact the progressive communities in the philippines the way it did in the united states. rather, during the time of political uprising and nationalist movements, women issues, specifically filipina, were referred to as the "woman question" (Aguilar). There is this assumption that feminism is a global theoretical lens that is applicable to all communities. However, all social and historical conditions must be addressed to understand the varying experiences within gendered communities. During a time when feminism was viewed as the theory and lesbianism was the practice (hooks), not all women in feminist organizations subscribed themselves to this practice. This alludes to the disjuncture of feminism since it did not capture the individual's whole identity and politics. Again, this is not specific to feminism but speaks about the larger social justice movements which fractionalize progressive communities and efforts.

question: how do we have a movement that addresses and liberates our intersectionalities?

and i leave you with this:

Who Said It Was Simple by Audre Lorde

There are so many roots to the tree of anger
that sometimes the branches shatter
before they bear.
Sitting in Nedicks
the women rally before they march
discussing the problematic girls
they hire to make them free.
An almost white counterman passes
a waiting brother to serve them first
and the ladies neither notice nor reject
the slighter pleasures of their slavery.
But I who am bound by my mirror
as well as my bed
see causes in color
as well as sex

and sit here wondering
which me will survive
all these liberations.



-this blog was written in response to elise's recommendations.